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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The pie charts on the left illustrate the proportion of three electricity-generating sources in the German and French markets in 2009 while the charts on the right further detail the composition of the segment of renewable energy in that same year.

The pie charts on the left illustrate the proportion of three electricity-generating sources in the German and French markets in 2009 while the charts on the right further detail the composition of the segment of renewable energy in that same year.
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The charts, on the left, demonstrate the data regarding the percentage of three electricity
resources
Use synonyms
 and
th
Correct your spelling
the
 categories of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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renewable sources on the right, in two
Europian
Correct your spelling
European
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 countries, France and
germany
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Germany
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, in 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, It's clear that the common thermal
energy
Use synonyms
 and nuclear were by far the most popular generators of electricity in both
countires
Correct your spelling
countries
.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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solar and
gethermal
Correct your spelling
geothermal
energy
Use synonyms
 were the least popular ones in the case of the five green
energy
Use synonyms
resources
Use synonyms
. In Germany, Conventional thermal source is accountable for roughly 60% of the chart (59.6), followed by nuclear
energy
Use synonyms
 with around a
guarter
Correct your spelling
quarter
.
Finally
Linking Words
, 17.4 of the chart is allotted to the renewable
resources
Use synonyms
 used in Germany. In terms of
renable
Correct your spelling
renewable
resources
Use synonyms
, biomass and wind
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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consumed virtually
with
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apply
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the same amount
by
Change preposition
of
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 39.3 and 36.9 respectively.
Moreover
Linking Words
, solar
energy
Use synonyms
 and geothermal were rather a negligible part
in
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of
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 German production. Considering the data in France, nuclear
energy
Use synonyms
 takes the
lion
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lion's
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 share of the pie by 80.5%.
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
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 all the other sources were accountable for almost twenty
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 of the chart, in which solar
energy
Use synonyms
 was a small stake with 0.9%.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words resources, energy with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • proportion
  • electricity-generating sources
  • markets
  • renewable energy
  • composition
  • nuclear energy
  • fossil fuels
  • generate electricity
  • comprise
  • contrast
  • double
  • compare
  • utilize
  • segment
  • dependency
  • significant differences
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