IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Children who are brought up in families that do not have large amounts of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brought up by wealthy parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#children #families #amounts #money #adult #life #parents
While
 some believe that
children
 raised in a
middle-to-low income
Add a hyphen
middle-to-low-income
show examples
 family have better abilities to cope with issues in their
adult
life
, some think that
this
 notion is only true for
children
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 were raised by wealthy parents. In my opinion, I agree more with the former,
due to
 reasons that will be discussed throughout
this
 essay. On one end of the spectrum, it is important to mention that
children
 who are raised with wealth might’ve had more resources to prepare them for their
adult
life
. They could have had access to better education,
life
 coaches, books, or even consultants to help them map out their plans for the future.
Nevertheless
, these
children
 still grew up having everything served
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 them on a silver platter.
However
, the reason why I have my stance is because growing up in a
working class
Add a hyphen
working-class
show examples
 family can foster a deeper sense of appreciation for
money
 in
children
. As they age, problems and struggles
also
 become a part of
everyday-
Correct your spelling
everyday life
show examples
life
, familiarizing
children
 with skills to problem-solve and adapt
accordingly
. When they know that
money
 can only be earned through difficulties, they will value merit-based efforts. Instilled with these values, they can develop effective
money
 management skills that will undoubtedly be beneficial in their
adult
life
. All in all, I believe that low-income families can raise
children
 who are better adapted
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
adult
 problems.
Although
 wealthy
children
 could have had better resources growing up,
children
 who did not grow up with as much
money
 can have a higher chance
to appreciate
Change preposition
of appreciating
show examples
 hard work.
Submitted by anindyadewi58 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is developed fully with relevant examples. Expand on the ideas you present by offering concrete examples from real life or credible sources to support your arguments more robustly.
task achievement
Your essay introduction and conclusion are clearly present, but you can improve them by making your thesis statement more specific and directly answering the prompt in your conclusion.
task achievement
Try to evenly balance the discussion between both sides of the argument, even if you are favoring one over the other. This will show a more thorough examination of the topic.
coherence cohesion
To enhance the essay's cohesion, use a wider range of linking words and phrases to show contrasts, comparisons and conclusions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: