Schools should only offer subjects that are beneficial to students’ future career success. Other subjects, such as music and sports, are not important. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is an argument
about
Change preposition
that
show examples
schools solely provide beneficial
subjects
for the
success
of student's future
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
and argues that music and
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
classes are not necessary.
This
essay is completely
disagreed
Wrong verb form
disagrees
show examples
with the statement, because
smarts
Change the noun form
smart
show examples
students may not necessarily
success
Replace the word
succeed
show examples
and not all people gifted with
academic's
Change noun form
academic
show examples
skills, so
this
system only benefits some
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
of people. First and foremost,
success
in the future it
is not only depends
Change the verb form
does not only depend
show examples
on how smart are they in maths or
biologys
Correct your spelling
biology
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
but there are many other ways to be rich. In fact, musicians and athletes are wealthier than their friends at
school
whose
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
were smarter.
For instance
, Justin Bieber almost kicked out
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
his
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
high
school
due to
his
math's
Change noun form
math
show examples
grades
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
bad, and the smartest kid in his class told him that there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
no chance for him to become successful in life, but now that smart student is Justin's assistant manager which he
also
get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
paid from Justin.
Therefore
,
its
Correct your spelling
it is
show examples
proofed
Change the form of the verb
proof
show examples
that
such
important
subjects
at
school
will never
determines
Change the verb form
determine
show examples
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
show examples
success
.
Furthermore
, some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
human's
Change noun form
humans
show examples
may
bad
Add a missing verb
be bad
show examples
at sciences but excellent in music or
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
, because there are 2
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
, the one that
use
Change the verb form
uses
show examples
their right brain more, which
mostly
Add a missing verb
is mostly
show examples
great in class, and
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
who
activated
Wrong verb form
activate
show examples
their left brain more, which mostly use their creativity more in life.
Then
,
this
kind of education system only benefits the right brain's
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
and
did
Wrong verb form
does
show examples
not provide enough facilities to the others. Michael Jordan, once gave charity to his old
school
, a wide
basketball's
Change noun form
basketball
show examples
court because he said that when he was a student, he was not able to practice basketball comprehensively and
do
Wrong verb form
did
show examples
not want current generations
experienced
Change the verb form
to experience
show examples
the same thing
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
him.
To conclude
, sport and music are
also
essential
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
at
school
and should be treated equally with other
subjects
because academic's
grade
Fix the agreement mistake
grades
show examples
will not always be the factor of
success
and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young athletes or musicians should be
facilited
Correct your spelling
facilitated
evenly.
Besides
, great
academic's
Change noun form
academic
show examples
score
Fix the agreement mistake
scores
show examples
could lead individuals to have a better life,
however
,
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
subjects
are
also
having the same chances.
Submitted by dickyoktarizaldi on

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task achievement
Be sure to develop a clear thesis statement that reflects your position on the topic and is supported throughout your essay. This should be introduced early (ideally in the first paragraph) and referred to directly in the conclusion for a more effective argument.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay with clear paragraphs, each centered around a single main idea. Use cohesive devices such as connecting words and topic sentences to guide the reader smoothly from one point to the next.
task achievement
Expand on your main points by providing more detailed explanations and a wider range of examples. While personal anecdotes can be compelling, they should be complemented with broader evidence or data.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that your introduction clearly sets out the topic of the essay and your viewpoint. It needs to engage directly with the question asked. Your conclusion should clearly summarize how the body of the essay has supported your viewpoint and should not contain new arguments.
coherence cohesion
While your essay includes relevant examples, ensure consistency and accuracy in tenses, subject-verb agreement, and general grammar rules to convey your ideas more effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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