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Band 4.5

Excessive sugar consumption causes many diseases. Some people think that it is the government responsibility to limit people’s sugar consumption while others think that it is the individual’s responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. Discuss both views

#sugar #consumption #diseases #people #government #responsibility #limit #people’s #individual’s #amount
Nowadays, eating large amounts of sugary
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
creating
Wrong verb form
creates
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 many
health
 problems,
due to
this
 many people are debating
the
Correct word choice
whether the
show examples
 administration should control
on
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apply
show examples
it,
while
 others
opposing
Wrong verb form
oppose
show examples
this
 by saying that inhabitants should focus on
the
Change the word
their
show examples
health
 by themselves. In
upcoming
Correct article usage
the upcoming
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 paragraphs, I will discuss my point of view on both sides with examples. It is true that eating a lot of sweets or
sugar
 creates body issues
such
 as Diabetes. To tackle
with
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apply
show examples
this
 trouble, first of all,
regime
Add an article
the regime
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 should make factories which can produce
sugar free
Add a hyphen
sugar-free
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 products
such
 as "Equals" which
tastes
Correct subject-verb agreement
taste
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like
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apply
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sweet but is totally
sugar free
Add a hyphen
sugar-free
show examples
.
Secondly
,
regiment
Correct article usage
the regiment
show examples
 should announce how much
sugar
 should be taken on
daily
Add an article
a daily
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 basis
according to
 the human body, because many
of
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apply
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living beings are unaware of
this
 and are taking carbohydrates as much as they want without knowing its consequences.
In addition
, all eatable products should be labeled with ingredients and information
what
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about what
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it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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contains
Correct subject-verb agreement
contain
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in
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apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
On the other hand
 side, it is
also
human
Correct article usage
a human
show examples
 being's responsibility to control
on
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apply
show examples
eating habits including
sugar
 consumption. Ministry can provide relevant guidance for
health
 care, but people cannot get the results if they do not follow
up
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apply
show examples
the guidelines.
Furthermore
, inhabitants should make diet
plan
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plans
show examples
 to make themselves healthy in
which
Correct word choice
that
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 they can be aware
how
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of how
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 much carbohydrates they
needs
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need
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 for the body.
To sum up
,
it is clear that
 intake of large
quantity
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quantities
show examples
 of sweeteners can create
health
 problems, but
this
 can be sorted out on time by both people and
regiment
Fix the agreement mistake
regiments
show examples
 if they take
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 steps
on
Change preposition
at
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right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 time.
Submitted by  Mandeep on

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coherence cohesion
Work on more varied sentence structures and aim for a clearer introduction of the topic in the first paragraph. The introduction should clearly present the two views that are being discussed and could also include a thesis statement that briefly indicates the direction of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Develop main points with stronger topic sentences and more in-depth elaboration. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea that is expanded with detailed information and specific examples.
task achievement
Ensure that the essay fully addresses all parts of the task. Both views should be discussed equally, and your personal opinion should be clear, whether it aligns with one of the views or presents a balanced perspective.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples and data to support your points. This could be in the form of statistics, research findings, or real-life examples that demonstrate the impact of sugar consumption and the effectiveness of government and individual intervention.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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