IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Others prefer to livewith their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you prefer? Use reasons and examples to support your answer

#adults #independence #parents #livewith #families #time #situations #support
It is argued that some people suppose that modern
high
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
 education must include different
subjects
 and not only specific ones. But another part of people believe that it is necessary to give
students
time
 to learn their professional subject deeply, not bothering by using unnecessary
subjects
. I strongly agree with the first statement because all
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
 must have the opportunity to study interesting things even at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
university.
This
 essay will discuss both views. A number of scientists have shown that in recent years there have been significant changes in attitude to curriculum. Referring to some potentially positive outcomes of that tendency, some evidence indicates that
students
 have a lack of real attractive
subjects
 for them,
such
 as from the art field. Not mentioned
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it is clearly seen that
students
 need areas for relaxing and paying attention to their own interests for excellent achievement. For a primary example, when I was a student
of
Change preposition
at
show examples
 Medical University it was really hard to concentrate on medical disciplines only.
Thus
, I decided
then
 that I wanted to spend
time
 on something else, but I did not have
such
 an ability.
However
, some opponents who state that universities should give learners all
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
 and attention to studying for their qualification may deem the previous viewpoint questionable.It is often said that
students
 must not make their
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
 full of unnecessary rubbish.
For instance
, as I know, many specialists do not recommend even learning too many languages
due to
 the fact it negatively affects the brain and confuses it,
although
 the effectiveness of learning
subjects
 depends on personal
time
 management.
Nevertheless
, it is necessary to take into account all the details of each individual case. From my point of view, the former opinion is definitely more persuasive, as it follows from my own experience, for I am a medical worker.
Submitted by balnur_amantay on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the general topic but occasionally veers away from a focused response to the prompt. A more direct statement of your preference would create a stronger task response.
coherence and cohesion
A more structured approach, with clear topic sentences that relate directly back to the question, would improve coherence. Additionally, using a wider range of cohesive devices would strengthen your essay.
task achievement
Remember to directly answer the question posed by the prompt. Use specific examples to support your points; these examples should be relevant and illustrate your argument effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • autonomy
  • interdependence
  • financial burdens
  • emotional preparedness
  • proximity
  • individualism
  • family bonds
  • life skills
  • self-reliance
  • safety net
  • privacy
  • family support
  • cultural values
  • social network
  • diverse experiences
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