Nowadays children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that activities are not good for a child's mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #people #activities #child #health

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Currently

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Currently,

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kids tend to watch many

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programs

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and play

video

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games

Use synonyms

. Some individuals

assumes

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assume

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these kind

Change the determiner

this kind

these kinds

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of activities are not good for their mental health. I strongly agree, because it will lead

declining

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to declining

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social

ability

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and producing extra

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hormone

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hormones

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Firstly

Linking Words

, Spending time

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apply

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watching many

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programs

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and playing

video

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games

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are

Correct subject-verb agreement

show examples

able to decrease

social

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the social

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ability

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children

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While

Linking Words

many kids do these activities, they

was

Wrong verb form

are

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isolated and

ignored

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ignore

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the existence

people

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of people

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around

Correct pronoun usage

around them

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. They would focus on their

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and smartphone

instead

Linking Words

provide

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providing

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a reply or response

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show examples

other people's interactions. If

this

Linking Words

happens frequently, it will cause social

ability

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dropped

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to drop

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significantly.

As a

Linking Words

result

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result,

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they have

hardship

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hardships

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in order to create social bonding with

other

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others

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and easily

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apply

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get

mental

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the mental

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disorder

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disorders

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, surely

this

Linking Words

phenomenon is not good for their personal and characteristic development.

Secondly

Linking Words

, watching many

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programs

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and

video

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games

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cause

body

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the body

show examples

to produce extra

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hormone

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hormones

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The all

Correct article usage

All

show examples

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Correct article usage

the hormone

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hormone

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hormones

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will be produced by

body

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the body

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Remove the comma

apply

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because in

this

Linking Words

phase

children

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require high concentration to focus and energy.

As a result

Linking Words

, their body becomes so tired,

stressful

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stressed

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and out of energy.

According to

Linking Words

WHO policy statement,

Add an article

the game

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game

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games

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will create an addiction that

turned

Wrong verb form

turns

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to be

mental

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a mental

show examples

disorder.

In Addition

Linking Words

, if

children

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experienced

Wrong verb form

experience

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mental

disorder

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disorders

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, it

was

Wrong verb form

show examples

terrible for

children

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to train their personal development, both non and academic

ability

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. It will

also

Linking Words

impact

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apply

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character building,

children

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tend to be

tranquility

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tranquil

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and difficult to control their

emotional

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emotions

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. In conclusion,

watch

Wrong verb form

watching

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many

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programs

Use synonyms

and

play

Wrong verb form

playing

show examples

video

Use synonyms

games

Use synonyms

are not good for their mental health because these things will lead

declining

Change preposition

to declining

show examples

social

ability

Use synonyms

and producing extra

Use synonyms

hormone

Fix the agreement mistake

hormones

show examples

Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on Sun Feb 04 2024

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coherence cohesion

The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, but could benefit from stronger, more varied connectives between ideas. Try to use a broader range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of the essay.

coherence cohesion

Supporting main points with specific examples is crucial. Consider including real-world statistics, studies, or anecdotal evidence to better illustrate your points and strengthen your argument.

task achievement

The task has been addressed and there's an attempt to develop a response that covers the main points. However, for a higher score, expand on the ideas with more depth, complexity, and by considering different perspectives.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

9
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
7
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
43
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

270 words

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Nowadays children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that activities are not good for a child's mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Full-time university students spend a lot of time studying. Some say they should do other activities too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that advertising is a major factor in driving consumer demand. Others believe that consumers are becoming more immune to advertising. Discuss both views and give your opinion

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinion on this?

Governments give a lot of support to artists, even though some people think it is a waste of money that could have been used elsewhere. Discuss both vioews and give your opinion.

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both views and give your own opinion