Nowadays children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that activities are not good for a child's mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #people #activities #child #health

Currently

Add a comma

Currently,

show examples

kids tend to watch many

programs

and play

video

games

. Some individuals

assumes

Change the verb form

assume

show examples

these kind

Change the determiner

this kind

these kinds

show examples

of activities are not good for their mental health. I strongly agree, because it will lead

declining

Change preposition

to declining

show examples

social

ability

and producing extra

hormone

Fix the agreement mistake

hormones

show examples

Firstly

, Spending time

Change preposition

apply

show examples

watching many

programs

and playing

video

games

are

Correct subject-verb agreement

show examples

able to decrease

social

Add an article

the social

show examples

ability

children

While

many kids do these activities, they

was

Wrong verb form

are

show examples

isolated and

ignored

Wrong verb form

ignore

show examples

the existence

people

Change preposition

of people

show examples

around

Correct pronoun usage

around them

show examples

. They would focus on their

and smartphone

instead

provide

Change the verb form

providing

show examples

a reply or response

Change preposition

show examples

other people's interactions. If

this

happens frequently, it will cause social

ability

dropped

Change the verb form

to drop

show examples

significantly.

As a

result

Add a comma

result,

show examples

they have

hardship

Fix the agreement mistake

hardships

show examples

in order to create social bonding with

other

Fix the agreement mistake

others

show examples

and easily

Fix the infinitive

apply

show examples

get

mental

Add an article

the mental

show examples

disorder

Fix the agreement mistake

disorders

show examples

, surely

this

phenomenon is not good for their personal and characteristic development.

Secondly

, watching many

programs

and

video

games

cause

body

Add an article

the body

show examples

to produce extra

hormone

Fix the agreement mistake

hormones

show examples

The all

Correct article usage

All

show examples

Correct article usage

the hormone

show examples

hormone

Fix the agreement mistake

hormones

show examples

will be produced by

body

Add an article

the body

show examples

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

because in

this

phase

children

require high concentration to focus and energy.

As a result

, their body becomes so tired,

stressful

Replace the word

stressed

show examples

and out of energy.

According to

WHO policy statement,

Add an article

the game

show examples

game

Fix the agreement mistake

games

show examples

will create an addiction that

turned

Wrong verb form

turns

show examples

to be

mental

Add an article

a mental

show examples

disorder.

In Addition

, if

children

experienced

Wrong verb form

experience

show examples

mental

disorder

Fix the agreement mistake

disorders

show examples

, it

was

Wrong verb form

show examples

terrible for

children

to train their personal development, both non and academic

ability

. It will

also

impact

Change preposition

apply

show examples

character building,

children

tend to be

tranquility

Replace the word

tranquil

show examples

and difficult to control their

emotional

Replace the word

emotions

show examples

. In conclusion,

watch

Wrong verb form

watching

show examples

many

programs

and

play

Wrong verb form

playing

show examples

video

games

are not good for their mental health because these things will lead

declining

Change preposition

to declining

show examples

social

ability

and producing extra

hormone

Fix the agreement mistake

hormones

show examples

Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on Sun Feb 04 2024

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coherence cohesion

The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, but could benefit from stronger, more varied connectives between ideas. Try to use a broader range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of the essay.

coherence cohesion

Supporting main points with specific examples is crucial. Consider including real-world statistics, studies, or anecdotal evidence to better illustrate your points and strengthen your argument.

task achievement

The task has been addressed and there's an attempt to develop a response that covers the main points. However, for a higher score, expand on the ideas with more depth, complexity, and by considering different perspectives.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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9Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
43Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

270 words

5.00

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Nowadays children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that activities are not good for a child's mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

In the future, nobody will buy printed newspapers or books because they will be able to read everything they want online without paying.

The cultures of many countries around the world becomes more similar than they used to be. What are the reasons for this trend? Is it positive or negative?

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

These days, more people are going to university than in the past. They start work later in life and with higher qualifications. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this situation?

Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest time of most people’s lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibility. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.