IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2

Nowadays more people are choosing to live with their friends or alone rather than with their families, this trend is likely to have a negative impact on community. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

#people #friends #families #trend #impact #community
The scheme of
love
 vanquishes me and fortifies me. We were so caught up
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the idea of true
love
 that it swallowed us raw into the divine odyssey everyone awaits. It turned us
to be
Verb problem
into
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
perfection-seeker
Fix the agreement mistake
perfection-seekers
show examples
, craving for the imperceptible paradoxical pieces.
Hence
,
love
 is an undeniably possible thing that left
it
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 crumbs far and wide. And the more we pick up the fragments, we perceive that somehow the real shape of
love
 does not come in its divine embodiment, that it shaves the coat of our skin, over and over again, left uncovered facing every fragility
awaits
Correct pronoun usage
that awaits
show examples
. But with
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
every
forces
Change to a singular noun
force
show examples
 that
love
 has reserved, the heart didn’t die.
Conversely
, we made up with every iridescent
reveries
Change to a singular noun
reverie
show examples
 it may have.
Love
 is not a one-time encounter, there’s always
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
room for it that what keeps us aspiring. As for
love
, we cried as we slept to the buried sins. As warm as the smell of a perfume you can recognize everywhere, as vivid as the memories you collect from two
year
Change to a plural noun
years
show examples
 before. To feel numb is to once feel alive. To be mightily dispossessed by romance means to later be fulfilled, by
love
.
Submitted by iamthenextawardee on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
You should address the topic directly in your introduction, explicitly stating whether you agree or disagree with the assertion that the trend of people choosing to live away from their families is likely to negatively impact the community. The essay provided does not tackle the topic and needs a clear and relevant thesis statement.
task achievement
Develop paragraphs with a clear topic sentence followed by explanation and example, directly tied to the main thesis. Each paragraph in the essay should clearly concern the given topic, which wasn't achieved in the provided text.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices effectively to ensure the essay flows logically from your introduction through to your conclusion. The provided essay lacks clear logical connection between ideas due to its abstract content.
coherence cohesion
Your writing should have a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each part should be distinct, with the body addressing the main points in a structured way. This essay has an abstract and poetic approach which does not have a recognizable structure appropriate for an IELTS essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • community cohesion
  • individualism
  • shared accommodation
  • societal norms
  • isolation
  • interpersonal relationships
  • nuclear family
  • extended family
  • housemates
  • co-living
  • social fabric
  • support network
  • globalisation
  • multigenerational living
  • self-sufficiency
What to do next:
Look at other essays: