IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.
#bar #changes #percentage #people #australia #town
THE BAR GRAPH ILLUSTRATES SOME CHANGES
ABOUT
Change preposition
IN
show examples
 THE PERCENTAGE OF
PEOPLE
WERE
Correct pronoun usage
WHO WERE
show examples
 BORN IN
AUSTRALIA
 AND WHO WERE BORN OUTSIDE
THE
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
AUSTRALIA
 LIVING IN URBAN, RURAL, AND
TOWN
Fix the agreement mistake
TOWNS
show examples
 FROM 1995 TO 2010.
OVERALL
, IN BOTH
YEARS
, THE NUMBER OF
PEOPLE
 WHO BORN IN
AUSTRALIA
 AND OUTSIDE
AUSTRALIA
 LIVING IN CITIES, TOWNS, AND RURAL AREAS HAD INCREASED BY THE
YEARS
. CITIES ACCOUNTED FOR THE HIGHEST PERCENTAGE
IN
Change preposition
OF
show examples
 BOTH
PEOPLE
 BORN IN
AUSTRALIA
 AND
PEOPLE
 BORN OUTSIDE
AUSTRALIA
. URBAN LIFE
HAD BECOME
Wrong verb form
BECAME
show examples
 MORE POPULAR DURING THE 15
YEARS
 AND
HAD
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
SURGED BY AROUND 15% BETWEEN 1995 AND 2010.
ALTHOUGH
 RURAL AREAS
HAD
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
ACCOUNTED FOR MORE
10
Change preposition
THAN 10
show examples
PERCENTAGES
Replace the word
PER CENT
show examples
, BOTH HAD DECLINED TO AROUND 15% AND COMPRISED
FOR
Change preposition
apply
show examples
THE SAME PERCENTAGES IN 2010. REGARDING
TO
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
PEOPLE
 BORN OUTSIDE
AUSTRALIA
, CITIES HAD EXHIBITED THEIR MAXIMUM PERCENT
DUE TO
 THE CHART;
HOWEVER
, IT HAD INCREASED BY 20%.
NONETHELESS
 IT COULD BE SEEN THAT TOWNS HAD
RISED
Correct your spelling
RISEN
 BY THE
YEARS
, IT STAYED CONSTANT WITH APPROXIMATELY 10% DURING THE 15
YEARS
. APART FROM OTHERS, THE TOPMOST INCREASE HAD BEEN INDICATED BY RURAL AREAS WHICH ACCOUNTED
AROUND
Change preposition
FOR AROUND
show examples
 35%, FROM 5% TO 40% OVER THE 15
YEARS
.
Submitted by asgerlituran35 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 79%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words people, australia, years with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "changes" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographics
  • urbanization
  • migration patterns
  • population distribution
  • percentage points
  • growth rate
  • decline
  • trend analysis
  • socioeconomic factors
  • infrastructure development
  • rural exodus
  • census data
  • lifestyle changes
  • residential patterns
  • immigration policies
  • emigration
  • natural increase
  • birth rate
  • settlement patterns
  • push and pull factors
What to do next:
Look at other essays: