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Writing Samples
Band 5

The chart below shows the numbers of three types of visitors to a museum between 1997 and 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows the numbers of three types of visitors to a museum between 1997 and 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#numbers #three #visitors #museum #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The chart displays information about
diffrent
Correct your spelling
different
 types of
visitors
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a museum from 1997 to 2012.
Overall
,
adult's
Change noun form
adult
show examples
 numbers have fluctuated in
period
Add an article
a period
the period
show examples
 of 15 years and have stayed the highest among other
visitors
.
Nonetheless
, numbers for
visitors
 ages under 15 have decreased steadily unlike viewers with special
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
 which have increased rapidly and stayed the lowest at all times.And total
visitors
 number in general have went up. Based on
pieces
Correct article usage
the pieces
show examples
 of information given , the
adults
Correct quantifier usage
number of adults
show examples
 went from 300,100 in 1997 to more
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 32
thousands
Fix the agreement mistake
thousand
show examples
 of
visitors
 in 2002.
Furthermore
,in 2007 ,
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of grown-ups who
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
went to
this
 museum
hits
Wrong verb form
hit
show examples
 a new
all time
Add a hyphen
all-time
show examples
 high at above 400
thousands
Fix the agreement mistake
thousand
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
viewers.
Nevertheless
, it
decreases
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
 to 380,000 in 2012.
Moreover
, people aged under 15 started
120,000
Change preposition
at 120,000
show examples
 in 1997 which went at 110 and 87
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 in 2002 and 2007.
Nevertheless
 , the downtrend
continues
Wrong verb form
continued
show examples
 in 2012 with getting a little more than 82,000.
However
, Special Exhibition customers started at 28,000 in 1997 with
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 uptrend in the next years with more than 29 and 37
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 in 2002 and 2007. At
last
 , it
hits
Wrong verb form
hit
show examples
 42,000 in 2012.
Finally
, total
visitors
 were 448,000 in 1997 and
hits
Wrong verb form
hit
show examples
 the new
all time
Add a hyphen
all-time
show examples
 high
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2007 with 525, 000 and ended with 504,000
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2012.
Submitted by mhosseinnaseri14 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "nevertheless".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words visitors, thousands with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "information" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stayed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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