the pie charts below shop the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013 summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

the pie charts below shop the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013 summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
IELTS Writing Task Chart for the pie charts below shop the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013 summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
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The two pie charts illustrate the breakdown of the revenue of online
purchase
Fix the agreement mistake
purchases

It seems that purchase may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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in four retail sectors in New Zealand in two selected years (2003 and 2013).
Overall
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it is evident that online buying in
travel
Correct article usage
the travel

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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sector
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

had
Unnecessary verb
apply

The verb had appears to be unnecessary here.

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contributed the most to the retail
sector
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

in 2003,
while
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

it
had
Verb problem
was

There may be a verb use issue here.

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surpassed by the film/music
sector
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

in 2013. In 2003, 36% of the retail
sales
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

online
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were

It seems that the verb was does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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contributed by the travel
sector
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. Followed by the retailing of clothes and films/music,
which
Change preposition
in which

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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the
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures

It seems that figure may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were

It seems that the verb was does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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24% and 21% respectively.
In addition
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the proportion of the revenue from selling books online was the smallest, which only contained
of
Remove the preposition
apply

The preposition of seems unecessary after the verb contained. Consider removing the preposition.

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19% of the total
sales
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. In 2013, Film/Music
has become
Wrong verb form
became

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb has become. Consider changing it.

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the biggest contributor to
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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online retail
sales
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

with
the
Correct article usage
a

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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percentage of 33%. The proportion of
sales
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

from
travel
Correct article usage
the travel

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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sector
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

has dropped by 7%,
ended
Wrong verb form
ending

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb ended. Consider changing it.

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with
the
Correct article usage
a

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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figure of 29% in 2013. Interestingly,
Clothes
Correct article usage
the Clothes

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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sector
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

has become
Wrong verb form
became

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb has become. Consider changing it.

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the least purchasing items among these four sectors in 2013, with
the
Correct article usage
a

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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figure of 16%.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words sector, sales with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • retail sectors
  • online shopping sales
  • percentage increase/decrease
  • significant growth/decline
  • electronic goods
  • clothing and footwear
  • food and beverages
  • household goods
  • recreational goods
  • stable sales
  • emerging sectors
  • overall growth
  • decade comparison
  • shift in consumer behavior
  • e-commerce
  • trend analysis
  • market dynamics
  • purchasing habits
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