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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Violence on television has a negative impact on children’s behaviour. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Nowadays, unfortunately, a large
number
Use synonyms
 of
TV
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 shows
use
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 violent vocabulary and
this
Linking Words
 language has a
number
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 of negative effects on
children
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's
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, a host of
children
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learns
Correct subject-verb agreement
learn
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 it and
use
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 violent speech in society. I strongly agree
about
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
Linking Words
 argument. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will explain why.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, a
number
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 of
TV
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 entertainment
for
Change preposition
to
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attractive
Replace the word
attract
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 more individual uses bad and violent speech.
Consequently
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, a
number
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 of folk especially
children
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 watch these
TV
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 shows and learn some bad languages.
In addition
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, a host of parents
has
Verb problem
do
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 not
known
Wrong verb form
know
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 that their
teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
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 have a perfect memory.
Consequently
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,
children
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 and kids can learn more easily than the others.
Moreover
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, If
children
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 watch bad
TV
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 shows, when they get older they will
use
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 and speak violence in society.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, a
number
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 of
folk
Change to a plural noun
folks
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 think that
this
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 violence does not have an influence on
kids'
Correct your spelling
kids
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 and
children
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's
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
However
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, a large
number
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 of people, Including me, believe that these bad
TV
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 shows, movies and films can have a direct impact on
children
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.
For instance
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, one of my friends has a tiny brother his name was Reza. I remember that Reza watched a movie in
this
Linking Words
 movie some actors used violent language.
In addition
Linking Words
, Reza learned these bad languages and used
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 argues about
that
Correct word choice
apply
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how violent speech has an impact on
children
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's
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, a
number
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 of
TV
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 shows, movies and films for attractive views
use
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 bad language.
In addition
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,
children
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 and kids can learn everything easily.
Consequently
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, parents should care
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
children
Use synonyms
.

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Task Achievement
To improve your score in Task Achievement, ensure that your response fully addresses the prompt. Develop your ideas more thoroughly with clearer, comprehensive explanations, and make use of more detailed, relevant examples. This can involve deeper analysis of how and why violence on TV impacts children's behavior and discussing potential counterarguments to strengthen your position.
Coherence and Cohesion
For better Coherence and Cohesion, focus on creating a more logical, seamless flow of ideas. This can be achieved by using a variety of linking words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs more effectively. Also, organizing your essay into clear paragraphs with distinct themes can help. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea, supported by examples or explanations.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be strengthened by clearly restating the topic, your position, and summarizing your main points more effectively in the conclusion. This helps reinforce your argument to the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Desensitization
  • Imitation
  • Anti-social behavior
  • Aggression
  • Empathy
  • Pro-social behavior
  • Media literacy
  • Fear and anxiety
  • Parental guidance
  • Temperament
  • Media content
  • Regulation
  • Censorship
  • Self-control
  • Critical analysis
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