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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The Chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed men and women of different employment status. Write at least 150 words.

The Chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed men and women of different employment status. Write at least 150 words.
#amount #leisure #time #men #women #employment #status
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The bar chart ilustrates about the number of
time
Use synonyms
 regarding leisure
time
Use synonyms
 that both
women
Use synonyms
 and
men
Use synonyms
 have in different employment status.
Overall
Linking Words
, It can be seen that
men
Use synonyms
 have
most
Rephrase
more
show examples
 free
time
Use synonyms
 than
women
Use synonyms
. With regards to employment status,
women
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 do not have any
occupation
Use synonyms
 have most free
time
Use synonyms
 at almost 80
hours
Use synonyms
, compared to the
men
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 obtained over 80
hours
Use synonyms
.
Women
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 get more
time
Use synonyms
 when they have passed their career and enjoy the pensionary,
however
Linking Words
 the
men
Use synonyms
 that have same position owned greater number of
hours
Use synonyms
. After that,
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 decided to handle
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
all
Change preposition
apply
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
households
also
Linking Words
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 more
time
Use synonyms
 for themselves to enjoy and do some
Replace the word
amusing
show examples
amusement
Replace the word
amusing
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
,
in contrast
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
would like
Wrong verb form
liked
show examples
 to get their leisure
hours
Use synonyms
 when they were in
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
full
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 work. Turning to patterns, it clearly shows that both
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 still have no
occupation
Use synonyms
 and enjoy the retired phase are likely to have
similar
Change the article
a similar
the similar
show examples
 number of leisure
time
Use synonyms
.
Women
Use synonyms
 potentially
lost
Wrong verb form
lose
show examples
 their free
time
Use synonyms
 when they
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 to do
full
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 and
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
occupation
Fix the agreement mistake
occupations
show examples
.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 are likely to achieve their spare
time
Use synonyms
 at their full-
time
Use synonyms
 work. Based on bar chart
also
Linking Words
 notice that
men
Use synonyms
 rarely to do typical part-
time
Use synonyms
occupation
Use synonyms
 than woman.
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
Change preposition
of male
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
also
Linking Words
 did not be in
Correct article usage
a housewives
show examples
housewives
Change the noun form
housewife
show examples
 position that
handle
Wrong verb form
handled
show examples
 the all of household things.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, in contrast".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time, women, men, occupation, hours with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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