Some people believe that music should be taught in schools, while others think that it is best to focus on computer and science. Discuss both views and your opinion.

#people #music #schools #focus #computer #science

Children

are basically

fun loving

Add a hyphen

fun-loving

show examples

, agile and caring. They learn

while

they play. It is generally argued that apart from studying

subjects

children

should be

also

given some information about leisure

activity

Fix the agreement mistake

activities

show examples

like art and music.

In contrast

other

Fix the agreement mistake

others

show examples

think that

subjects

like Science and

Computer

Fix the agreement mistake

Computers

show examples

should be focused

Change preposition

on more

show examples

This

essay will

sheds

Change the verb form

shed

show examples

light on both perspectives and will end up with my personal opinion. At the onset, Apart from the main

subjects

, institutions should add some leisure activities classes. By doing so,

this

can make the

children

Change the verb form

apply

show examples

grow their interest and

also

they will get some relief from their actual studies. Not only learning some

subjects

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

but

also

after

Change preposition

apply

show examples

getting

engage

Change the form of the verb

engaged

show examples

in these activities will give them

chance

Correct article usage

a chance

show examples

to enhance

thier

Correct your spelling

their

skills.

For Instance

, In Japan, many organizations have a mandatory subject of Music in their subject.

This

allows the kids not only

enter

Fix the infinitive

to enter

show examples

a new field but

also

help

Correct subject-verb agreement

helps

show examples

them to learn

this

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

so that they can even perform

this

art in their school function.

On the Other hand

, Many guardians believe that Computer and Science

subjects

are mandatory for each

children

Change to a singular noun

child

show examples

, as it has

its

Correct pronoun usage

their

show examples

own importance. They prefer that these areas should be focused more. In

todays

Change to a genitive case

today's

show examples

era, it is seen that to get in

better

Add an article

a better

show examples

career, there are two fields to get

achievemnet

Correct your spelling

achievement

achievements

and those areas belong to

this

Correct determiner usage

these

show examples

two

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Do you want to check your IELTS essays?

Submit unlimited essays, letters and charts. Sign up right now and start improving your writing skills.

9Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
34Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

323 words

5.00

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

🚀 Prepare for IELTS writing section today!

Unlimited Task 1 checks
Get all the feedback you need to keep improving your charts and letters.
Unlimited Task 2 checks
Practice and perfect your skills with essays.
Personalized suggestions
Know how to boost your score.
Detailed mistakes analysis
Get instant feedback. Spot every mistake.
Topic ideas generator
Get topic-specific ideas to enhance your writing.
Vocabulary helper
Get the right words for any topic.
Progress tracking
Track your writing improvements.

What to do next:

Look at other essays:

<4
band
Many people feel that attention spans are becoming shorter due to the prevalence of social media. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, with an increasing development of technological advances individuals utilise devices like computers, phones and laptops more often compared to the past. Consequently, some argue that a habit of using social media negatively affects people's concentration whereas others think the opposite. I truly agree with the former statement, and this essay will explain why.
4
band
There is a notion that says developed countries should avoid encouraging expert workers of developing countries for emigration, because the poorer countries need their professional workers
There is a notion that says developed countries should avoid encouraging expert workers of developing countries for emigration, because the poorer countries need their professional workers. I completely agree with this notion because of reasons like, weakening the poor ones poorer and detrimental effects of these workers.
8
band
These days, more and more people tend to procrastinate in tasks. What is the cause? What is the solution?
Nowadays, the phenomenon observed in human behaviour to delay tasks until nearly the deadline is said to be worsening. The root cause for this is the notion that motivation is compulsory to complete missions, yet it can be solved by being disciplined with a scientific schedule.
6.5
band
In some countries, the number of shootings increase because many people have guns at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
In most countries, many people own guns as a mechanism for self- defense. It is argued that having a gun under possession has escalated the rate of mass shootings in certain areas. In my opinion, there is a greater chance of putting a person’s life at risk by owning a pistol in a household.
5.5
band
In their advertising, businesses nowadays usually emphasise that their products are new in some way. Why is this? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
In terms of advertisement, enterprises strongly suggest that their goods are novel in some way on these days. This is because they try to defeat other companies' products. However, this influences the market negatively because of excessive adverdising including incorrect information and hard choices for customers.

Some people believe that music should be taught in schools, while others think that it is best to focus on computer and science. Discuss both views and your opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Many people feel that attention spans are becoming shorter due to the prevalence of social media. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a notion that says developed countries should avoid encouraging expert workers of developing countries for emigration, because the poorer countries need their professional workers

These days, more and more people tend to procrastinate in tasks. What is the cause? What is the solution?

In some countries, the number of shootings increase because many people have guns at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In their advertising, businesses nowadays usually emphasise that their products are new in some way. Why is this? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?