Some people believe that music should be taught in schools, while others think that it is best to focus on computer and science. Discuss both views and your opinion.

Children
are basically
fun loving
Add a hyphen
fun-loving
show examples
, agile and caring. They learn
while
they play. It is generally argued that apart from studying
subjects
,
children
should be
also
given some information about leisure
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
like art and music.
In contrast
,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
think that
subjects
like Science and
Computer
Fix the agreement mistake
Computers
show examples
should be focused
more
Change preposition
on more
show examples
.
This
essay will
sheds
Change the verb form
shed
show examples
light on both perspectives and will end up with my personal opinion. At the onset, Apart from the main
subjects
, institutions should add some leisure activities classes. By doing so,
this
can make the
children
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
grow their interest and
also
they will get some relief from their actual studies. Not only learning some
subjects
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
but
also
after
Change preposition
apply
show examples
getting
engage
Change the form of the verb
engaged
show examples
in these activities will give them
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
to enhance
thier
Correct your spelling
their
skills.
For Instance
, In Japan, many organizations have a mandatory subject of Music in their subject.
This
allows the kids not only
enter
Fix the infinitive
to enter
show examples
a new field but
also
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
them to learn
this
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
so that they can even perform
this
art in their school function.
On the Other hand
, Many guardians believe that Computer and Science
subjects
are mandatory for each
children
Change to a singular noun
child
show examples
, as it has
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
own importance. They prefer that these areas should be focused more. In
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
show examples
era, it is seen that to get in
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
career, there are two fields to get
achievemnet
Correct your spelling
achievement
achievements
and those areas belong to
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
two
category
Fix the agreement mistake
categories
show examples
. To Prove it, In
current
Correct article usage
the current
show examples
time
also
, Many parents in India want their kids to
get
Verb problem
have
show examples
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good success in
science
Correct article usage
the science
show examples
and computer
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
. Ergo,
children
are meant to
give
Verb problem
take
show examples
many entrance exams regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
this
, which will help them to get their
desire
Replace the word
desired
show examples
field line.
To Conclude
,
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
both fields have
thier
Correct your spelling
their
own importance. After adding an activity class in the periods, it will make the
children
enjoy
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
classes. I personally think that, after learning
this
subject, many
children
will add an extra skill
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
their career which will enhance their skills
overall
.
Submitted by hlife4454 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence that clearly states the main idea, followed by supporting sentences that expand on that idea.
coherence cohesion
Make use of linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas and paragraphs. Examples include 'Furthermore', 'In addition', 'However', and 'Consequently'. This will help your essay flow more smoothly.
task achievement
Respond to all parts of the task. While your essay does cover both views and provides a personal opinion, strive to develop your ideas further with more detailed examples and explanations to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Clarify and elaborate your ideas and examples. It’s important to explain how your examples support your arguments. This will make your essay more persuasive and engaging.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to the essay structure. Your introduction should clearly introduce the topic and outline your main ideas. The conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your opinion in light of the discussion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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