IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In many countries, more and more men are staying at home to look after their children when women work full-time. What are the reasons? Is it a positive or negative development?

#countries #men #home #children #women #work #development
With the technology development rapidly, some traditional viewpoint is dashed by the more modern sights. There is a proposal which more fathers stay at home to care of baby, and mothers go out to make a living. There are several
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
show examples
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 figure out the situation
which
Correct word choice
whether
show examples
t
Correct your spelling
it
 is positive or negative. The majority trend is positive in my view.
Although
 there are some struggles which people always
talking
Wrong verb form
talk
show examples
 about, like the problem of economic pressures of life and can male take care of children well, These seem like minor problems in my opinion.The key to
this
 phenomenon lies
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the development of humanistic societies and the feminist. First of all,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
traditional
society
is
Verb problem
does
show examples
 not allow
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 to make a living,
Female
Fix the agreement mistake
Females
show examples
 are just
call
Wrong verb form
called
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
stay at home with the kids.
And
Correct word choice
Then
show examples
then
,
two
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
edge
Correct your spelling
two-edged
show examples
 problem is presented,
females
Change noun form
females'
female's
show examples
 and
males
Change noun form
males'
male's
show examples
unique personalities are ignored and the chains of the traditional
society
. Nowadays ,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
different
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
marking
Wrong verb form
mark
show examples
 the impact of traditional attitudes.The humanistic
society
 is moving in the direction of customised.Everyone is free to choose their life .
This
 is
also
 the development of
women
's rights .
Women
 are now playing more and more important roles in
society
, and they are not just tools for
make
Change the verb form
making
show examples
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
.
This
 trend enables
women
 to be more free in their right right to choose their own lives, rather than be tied to their families. In summary,the birth of
this
 trend is always a good sign that represents the progress of
society
 and that the humanistic
society
 is evolving
along with
 technology.
Women
's rights are
also
guareentee
Correct your spelling
guaranteed
guarantee
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a certain way.
Submitted by sunnylyu0165 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Clarify and directly address the reasons for the increasing trend of fathers staying at home and the positive or negative impacts. Your response should be explicit and answer all parts of the question.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay more coherently. Start with an introduction that clearly states your position on the topic, followed by body paragraphs that each focus on a single main idea with examples, and conclude with a summary of your position.
coherence cohesion
Ensure main points are well-supported by specific examples or evidence. Your essay should include detailed instances or explanations to substantiate your viewpoints.
general
Address grammar and vocabulary issues, aiming to use a wider range of vocabulary and more complex sentence structures accurately.
general
Maintain a formal tone throughout the essay. Avoid using colloquial language or very general terms.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: