IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Art is considered an important part of a society as well as an expression of its culture. Do you think it is important for children to be taught art? Do you think children should be encouraged to focus on art rather than other subjects?

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Art
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 is considered
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
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 decision of
community
Correct article usage
the community
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as well as
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indication
Add an article
an indication
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 of its culture.
This
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 essay will discuss
it
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why it
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 is important for
children
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 to be taught
art
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 and
kids
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 should be encouraged to focus on
art
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 rather than other
subjects
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. It is important for
children
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 to be taught artwork because young people can learn about
the
Correct article usage
apply
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history through artwork.
Kids
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 learn to express themselves through creativity. Everyone should know about the history and changes in society.
Art
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 is important not only for
children
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,
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apply
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 but
also
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 for adults.
For instance
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, my friend's brother went very much to galleries and museums, so he learned much more knowledge about history. He developed social skills by doing
art
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 projects.
Art
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 is not an essential subject for
children
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 to learn
it
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apply
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.
Art
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 will not help
to
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apply
show examples
kids
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for developing
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develop
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 useful skills and
finding
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find
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 a job later on. For
children
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,
school
Correct article usage
the school
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 curriculum should focus on core
subject
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subjects
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such
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 as math, science and others. Basic
subjects
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,
as well as
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 math and science, improve
children
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's mental performance. In
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additionally
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addition
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, in our school, special attention is paid to math and science.
For example
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, my sister should pay more attention to the basic
subjects
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 because she can pursue her interest in artwork at home. In conclusion,
art
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 is a part of our community and our culture is
in tegrated
Correct your spelling
integrated
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in
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into
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 it. Learning
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is extremely important for young people, but they should not neglect other
subjects
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. Learning fine
art
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 is very beneficial for every person
which
Correct word choice
and
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give
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gives
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 many useful information to humans. So
kids
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 should often learn about it.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance the essay’s logical structure, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that there is a clear logical progression from one paragraph to the next. This can be achieved through improved topic sentences and transitions.
coherence cohesion
It's vital to have a distinct introduction and conclusion. In the introduction, clearly state your thesis and outline the main points to be discussed. In the conclusion, summarize your main arguments and restate your position. This will make your essay more comprehensive and engaging.
coherence cohesion
Back up your main points with detailed examples and explanations. While some general examples are provided, further elaboration on how these examples support your arguments will make your essay stronger.
task achievement
To enhance task achievement, ensure your essay completely addresses all parts of the prompt. While your essay touches on both questions, providing a more comprehensive exploration of each question, considering different perspectives, and articulating a strong personal stance would improve your score.
task achievement
Strive for clarity and depth in expressing ideas. Some arguments are presented but lack comprehensive development. Focus on deeply exploring a few key ideas rather than briefly mentioning several. This will demonstrate a strong understanding of the subject matter.
task achievement
Include more varied and specific examples to support your arguments. While personal anecdotes add a level of engagement, incorporating broader or more specific examples can provide stronger support for your points and demonstrate a wider understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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