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Band 5

It is sometimes said that a high salary is the most important factor in choosing a job. Do you agree?

#salary #factor #job
A large amount of
people
 only consider the
salary
 when choosing a job. but some
people
 believe that several other important factors need to be taken into account. In my opinion, I disagree
salary
 is the most significant consideration. Beyond question,
salary
 is essential for our lives which we need to make a living.
Moreover
,
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
salary
 means that we could have enough money to pursue a better life
such
 as travelling during holidays and tasting delicious food.
However
, there are still many factors to consider, which are as significant as
salary
.
Firstly
, a great working environment is really helpful. The fitness
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 in the company could reduce working stress and relax, and friendly colleagues and managers ensure
smooth
Add an article
the smooth
show examples
 progress of work.
Nevertheless
, if
people
 are in a bad working environment, their emotions will become worse, which may
results
Change the verb form
result
show examples
 in working errors and loss of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
salary
. Commuting time
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
also
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to be considered.
For example
, when employees live far away from their company, they may spend several hours
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
commuting. It will lead to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of sleep time and damage to their health.
Moreover
,
people
 should consider whether they really enjoy the jobs they will accept.
People
 could only insist on their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 when they really enjoy their jobs.
For example
,
Although
 working as a teacher is not easy and the
salary
 is at the average level, plenty of teachers choose their jobs
due to
 their passion for education and are willing to devote themselves to teaching. All of
this
 being said, I believe that
salary
 is not the most significant consideration.
people
 should consider other factors
such
 as
working
Correct article usage
the working
show examples
 environment and their passion when choosing a job.
Submitted by sunnylyu0165 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay structurally outlines the argument and concludes well but could benefit from clearer transitions between paragraphs to improve flow. Consider using explicit linking words or phrases at the beginning of paragraphs to better guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
You've responded to the task at hand with an adequate argument and conclusion, but your essay can be strengthened by developing your ideas further and incorporating more specific examples to support your stance. Tie your examples more clearly to your argument to enhance their relevance and impact.
general
You have minor errors in grammar and word choice that slightly muddle the clarity of your ideas. Regular practice and reviews of grammatical rules will help. Additionally, aim for variety in sentence structures to make your essay more engaging.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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