IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.

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Since the beginning of mankind, there is evidence that
men
Use synonyms
 used to find food for the family
while
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 took
care
Use synonyms
 of the
children
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, through
evolution
Add a comma
evolution,
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 got strong enough to fight,
face
Correct word choice
and face
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
different
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of situations
while
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 became emotionally strong
to
Rephrase
enough to
show examples
 tackle family problems and
taking
Wrong verb form
take
show examples
care
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
.
Hence
Linking Words
, most people believe that taking
care
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
 and household situations
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 entirely up to
women
Use synonyms
. But the world has changed so fast over
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last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 two decades and
women
Use synonyms
 have started to earn like
men
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, if a
child
Use synonyms
 of a working
mother
Use synonyms
 starts to struggle with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life, the public does not hesitate to blame the
mother
Use synonyms
 for that.
However
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, I strongly disagree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the fact that
children
Use synonyms
 are entirely
women
Use synonyms
’s responsibility. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss
further
Linking Words
 about my opinion. In today’s world, even though,
men
Use synonyms
 work as hard as they can it is not enough for a family to function since the needs have risen with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
globalization. Even, basic needs like medications have become very expensive with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, working
women
Use synonyms
 are
timely
Add an article
a timely
show examples
 requirement. And, it is not like
good
Correct article usage
the good
show examples
 old days when people used to hunt and wear leaves. These days people must earn money to buy all those things.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 feel the difficulty
to request
Change preposition
of requesting
show examples
 money from
men
Use synonyms
 every
time
Use synonyms
 they need something.
Thus
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,
women
Use synonyms
 have chosen to work for
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 requirements which I think is the right thing to do.
Although
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, at
first,
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
 were against the idea of working
women
Use synonyms
, now the public has understood that it is helpful to maintain a family.
Accordingly
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, I believe that if
women
Use synonyms
 help to earn,
men
Use synonyms
 should help
women
Use synonyms
 to take
care
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 of
children
Use synonyms
 because they are not purely
women
Use synonyms
’s responsibility. I agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the fact that
children
Use synonyms
 can have so many problems since their
parents
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 are not with them.
For example
Linking Words
, I had both my
parents
Use synonyms
 with me
while
Linking Words
 growing up
therefore
Linking Words
, I had the smoothest childhood since I had listeners whenever I had a problem. I think even though
Use synonyms
mother
Add an article
the mother
show examples
 will not be able to be with the
child
Use synonyms
 all the
time
Use synonyms
,
children
Use synonyms
 will not face juvenile delinquency if both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 can spend their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 with the
child
Use synonyms
, doing something the
child
Use synonyms
 likes.
To conclude
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,
although
Linking Words
, I agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the fact that
children
Use synonyms
 can experience bad situations
due to
Linking Words
unavailability
Correct article usage
the unavailability
show examples
 of listeners, I think it is not purely up to the
mother
Use synonyms
. Father has a responsibility too.
Children
Use synonyms
 can have a better life if both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 take obligation for their
descendents
Correct your spelling
descendants
.

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Task Achievement
For task achievement, ensure your essay directly addresses all parts of the task statement. While you've made an effort to discuss the role of both parents in the upbringing of children, incorporating specific examples and further elaborating on how societal changes impact child-rearing would strengthen your argument.
Coherence Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs. Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to strengthen the connections between your ideas. This will make your essay more cohesive and easier to follow.
Coherence Cohesion
Regarding coherence and cohesion, work on developing your main points with more detailed examples and explanations. While your essay has a logical structure, further elaboration on your points with specific examples will make your arguments more persuasive and your essay more cohesive.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • evolution
  • domestic roles
  • diverse professional engagements
  • dual-working parents
  • family dynamics
  • juvenile delinquency
  • societal and economic factors
  • dual-income households
  • childcare methods
  • community support systems
  • gender roles
  • family responsibilities
  • professional aspirations
  • development needs
  • correlation
  • simplistic causation
  • workplace policies
  • flexible hours
  • parental leave
  • gender equality
  • role models
  • successful womanhood
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