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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people today believe that the world’s increase in population is unsustainable and will eventually lead to a global crisis. Other people believe that world population increase in necessary and beneficial as it creates the growth of the world’s economy and society. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

#people #world’s #population #crisis #world #growth #economy #society
There are some people who argue that an increase in the
number
 of populations is not sustainable and will
finally
 result in a global crisis,
while
 the opponents of
this
 view claim that it is essential for fostering
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
 and society of the world. I believe that
while
 overpopulation can solve the problem of the lack of workforce, a growing
population
 threatens the future in terms of the lack of essential living supplies. On the one hand, it seems to me that, an unsustainable increasing
number
 of people puts the future of the world at risk. It can lead to a worldwide crisis throughout the world, especially in undeveloped
countries
.
For instance
, five years ago, citizens of Sahaba, one of the poor
countries
, faced
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
terrible overpopulation, and it caused
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 reduction
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 living demands,
such
 as water, food, and energy.
In
Change preposition
At
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 that time, a significant increase in the
number
 of death rates was recorded in Sahaba.
On the other hand
, a growing
population
 can bring necessary benefits to
countries
 where birth rates are lower. It is important for building
much
Correct article usage
a much
show examples
 healthier economic system and society network. It can lead to growing demand for goods, allowing economies to expand and increasing the skilled workforce. Take Serbia
for example
.
Due to
 the
population
 growth in Serbia, there can be seen a rise in the
number
 of talented workers in the workplace. In conclusion,
although
 overpopulation can deal with the issue of
insufficient
Add an article
the insufficient
show examples
labor
Change the spelling
labour
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 force in
countries
 where
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 is not higher on a substantial scale, I believe that a growing
number
 of people will ultimately culminate in a global catastrophe,
such
 as the shortage of natural needs, including food, water, and energy.
Submitted by writingbhos on

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Task Achievement
Introduce both sides of the argument more clearly in the introduction, ensuring your opinion is also distinctly stated. This lays a solid foundation for your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. While your essay has good structure, enhancing connectors will improve readability and cohesion.
Task Achievement
Support your main points with more detailed examples and explanations. Although you provide examples, further depth could strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Work on a more balanced discussion of both views. Ensure you allocate similar attention to both sides before stating your conclusion. This balance is crucial for a comprehensive discussion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider refining your conclusion to better summarize the main points of the discussion and clearly restate your stance. A strong conclusion will make your essay more impactful.

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