IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that it would be better for companies to take care of their employees’ health. Others believe that companies should spend money on other aspects of work, such as salary increases, bonuses and extra time off. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #companies #care #employees’ #health #money #aspects #work #salary #increases #bonuses #time
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There is debate regarding the investment
that is
Linking Words
 best for businesses.
Whereas
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, proponents argue that
companies
Use synonyms
 should take care of staff's welfare, opponents consider that it can be more profitable for
companies
Use synonyms
 to allocate
money
Use synonyms
 to other sectors. In my personal view, investments in other aspects of work are more of paramount importance than spending on worker's
health
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, one of the best reasons why some people think that
companies
Use synonyms
 should invest in employees'
health
Use synonyms
 is to enhance productivity. If businesses spend
money
Use synonyms
 on each member of the team to keep them healthy, they will
endeavor
Change the spelling
endeavour
show examples
 effectively, on the grounds that, thanks to being healthy, their mental and physical situation
remain
Change the verb form
remains
show examples
 stable, in
this
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 case, in future, they will not have any chronic problems.
In addition
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,
this
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 can encourage the people to join the staff.
Thus
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, the number of workers in a company will increase and the company turn into a conglomerate.
On the other hand
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, some individuals believe that the
companies
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 make more profit
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 if they allocate
money
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 to other aspects of
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
. Surging salaries can be
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 incentive for employees to work harder and harder. To be more specific, people who earn
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 considerable amount of
money
Use synonyms
 have strong discipline, and they never give up when having
competitive
Add an article
a competitive
show examples
 salary.
Additionally
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,
staff'
Change noun form
staff's
show examples
health
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 is their personal problem, the
companies
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 should not take care
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
health
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.
To sum up
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, there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 some beneficial aspects, and
also
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 potential drawbacks. In my opinion, spending
money
Use synonyms
 on other items is more advantageous for
companies
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by writingbhos on

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task achievement
Your essay discusses both views and provides an opinion, which is good. However, it lacks detailed examples to support arguments. To improve, try to include specific, real-life examples or statistics to make your points more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction could be more engaging by offering a brief insight into why this debate is significant or presenting a rhetorical question. Additionally, ensure that your conclusion summarizes the main points more effectively and restates your opinion clearly.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, improve transitions between paragraphs and within them. Use a variety of transitional phrases to guide the reader through your arguments seamlessly.
task achievement
While your essay presents arguments for both sides, it could benefit from a more balanced discussion. Ensure that each view is explored with equal depth and consideration.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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