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Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Some people think that it would be better for companies to take care of their employees’ health. Others believe that companies should spend money on other aspects of work, such as salary increases, bonuses, and extra time off. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #companies #care #employees’ #health #money #aspects #work #salary #increases #bonuses #time
It is considered by some individuals it would be better for businesses to pay attention
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their workers' health.
However
, others, including myself, claim that money is spent on other things,
such
 as income increases, bonuses, and spare
time
 by corporations.       On the one hand, the numbers of people who are
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
, increase day by day at an alarming rate. To be more specific,
Correct article usage
the workforces'
show examples
workforces'
Change noun form
workforce's
show examples
 health is
notable
Add an article
a notable
the notable
show examples
 factor for enterprises. Companies should provide their workers with
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 facilities.
For instance
, employees can go
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 gym and they have the opportunity to be healthy. If
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 healthy, they can do
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 easily.       
On the other hand
, I advocate the view,
some
Correct word choice
that some
show examples
 individuals suffer from
moneyless
Add a missing verb
being moneyless
show examples
 and
this
 can
be
Verb problem
have
show examples
 many variety consequences in their whole
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. To elaborate, firms should give employees
high-income-salary
Correct your spelling
high-income salaries
show examples
. If businesses give good
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
show examples
that
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 enough for employees, they can be loyal
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
company
Add an article
the company
a company
show examples
 and buy something
that is
 want.
Furthermore
, in
company
Add an article
the company
a company
show examples
, people face
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 which
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 very difficult.
As a result
, people cannot find
time
 and they leave their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
.
Therefore
, companies should provide their
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 with leisure
time
 and high
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
show examples
.       
To sum up
,
although
 it is claimed by some individuals
firms
Correct pronoun usage
that firms
show examples
 should take care of their workers' health,
however
, others, including my viewpoint, believe that
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 salary, leisure
time
, and bonuses are more important for humans.
Submitted by writingbhos on

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task response
Make sure your essay clearly outlines your position from the beginning and reiterates it in the conclusion to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use transition words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay. This will help guide the reader through your arguments and make your points more coherent.
task response
Back your points with more specific examples. While you've mentioned general ideas, adding detailed examples can significantly strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Work on the clarity and accuracy of your language. Avoid overly complex structures if they compromise the clarity of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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