He chart below shows the expenditure on three categories among different age groups of residents in the UK in 2004.

He chart below shows the expenditure on three categories among different age groups of residents in the UK in 2004.
The presented graph illustrates the proportion of total spending among different age groups of residents in the UK throughout the 2004 period.
Overall
, it can be seen that frequently
food
and
drink
had a higher percentage among other categories than
entertainment
and the lowest
category
was
restaurant
and hotel. In detail, in the group under
30
Add a comma
30,
show examples
the
restaurant
and hotels have 14 per cent
while
the second
category
is considered half of the first
category
followed by
food
and
drink
about two degrees less.
In addition
, from 31 to 45 in
food
and
drink
by 13
then
other categories decrease gradually.
By contrast
,
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
46 to
60
Add a comma
60,
show examples
the percentage of
food
and
drink
increased to 20
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
followed by
restaurant
Fix the agreement mistake
restaurants
show examples
and hotels by 12 as for
entertainment
two degrees higher.
Moreover
, in 61 to 75
entertainment
comes by 23 per cent
then
food
and hotel by 20 and the
last
category
is
restaurant
.
Finally
, up 76 in
food
and
drink
by 23 per cent gradually
then
entertainment
and
finally
restaurant
and hotel. In the end, as we note, every
categories
Change to a singular noun
category
show examples
is different in spending among different in every age
groups
Fix the agreement mistake
group
show examples
,
therefore
,
food
and
drink
were considered the favourite of most people, unlike restaurants and hotels.
Submitted by sesjej1330 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "finally".
Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
Vocabulary: Replace the words food, drink, entertainment, category, restaurant with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "gradually" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: