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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some places old age is valued, while in other cultures youth is considered more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#places #age #cultures #youth
In
this
 edge-cutting period, most of the areas tend to keep up with the development of others and gradually lose their own past value.
Therefore
, the section of society believes that in some places cultures youth is recognised as suitable for
this
 age,
whereas
 in others old generation is more crucial. I am of the opinion that despite the economic values fostered by young adults, gratitude towards older
people
 should be expressed
due to
 general human morality and their thorough understanding. First and foremost, the young
people
 have laid the foundation and made progress for the national economy. It can be obviously considered that teenagers who are the majority of
Correct article usage
the workforces
show examples
workforces
Fix the agreement mistake
workforce
show examples
 are innovative, passionate, and diligent in order to probably create breakthroughs.
Therefore
, the young play a key role in boosting economic growth and establishing a higher living standard. Take Mark Zuckerberg as a primary example, who is the CEO of Facebook,
has
Correct word choice
and has
show examples
 successfully created a global social network.
In addition
, older
people
 have moral principles and ample life experiences.
Firstly
, seniors have devoted their whole
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 to contributing to the growth of our society,
leading to
Verb problem
and
show examples
 treating them with dignity and respect is of paramount importance.
Moreover
, the rationale behind the reality
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
 a great number of leaders in the world are seniors because of their valuable lessons.
In other words
, they assist young
people
 in tackling obstacles and guiding them to the right path in life. Taking everything into account,
although
 I acknowledge the potential of the young in economic terms, I would argue that the elderly should be respected
due to
 their vast amount of knowledge and the codes of ethics in the civilization of mankind.
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Task Response
Your introduction sets a well-defined tone for the essay; however, consider simplifying complex sentences to enhance clarity. Avoid overly complex structures that may cloud your main argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Focus on developing each paragraph around a single main idea. This will streamline your arguments and make your viewpoint clearer to the reader. In the future, ensure each paragraph opens with a clear topic sentence.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more specific examples to support your points. While Mark Zuckerberg is a good example, adding more concrete examples or statistics could strengthen your argument and lend more credibility to your claims. Additionally, aim to directly tie your examples back to the prompt for maximum relevance.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • repositories of knowledge
  • esteemed
  • insights
  • embedded
  • seeking advice
  • prioritizing
  • premium on innovation
  • dynamism
  • adaptability
  • technological advancements
  • entrepreneurs
  • pioneers
  • indispensable
  • stability
  • harmonious
  • progressive
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