IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by ‎almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this ‎disturbing trend.

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The proportion of fat kids in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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western countries has grown by nearly 20% over ten years.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the causes and effects that may occur from
this
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 trend.
One
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 of the main causes of
the
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apply
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obesity are consumption of fast
food
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, high-calorie snacks and
poor
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a poor
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 diet.
For example
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,
according to
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 information from
one
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 magazine “Children of America” which was released in 2023, almost 80% of pupils in the West eat burgers, pizza or other types of harmful
food
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 after school classes or when they meet with their friends.
Furthermore
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, fast
food
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 contains substances that are addictive
as well as
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 have destructive and harmful effects on children’s organs,
hence
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, they are starting to gain weight faster.
In addition
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 to
this
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,
high calorie
Add a hyphen
high-calorie
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 snacks like crisps, carbonated drinks and fatty
food
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also
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 destroy kid’s bodies.
One
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 of the main consequences of obesity is developing both physical and psychological problems at
young
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a young
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 age.
For instance
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, heart disease, diabetes or high blood pressure from the physical side and depression, insecurities, absences of self-esteem and confidence from the psychological side.
As a result
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, these problems would complicate not only the life of a child but
also
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 the parent’s life. There would be regular hospital visits, drug intakes and excruciating pain.
Furthermore
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, depression and insecurities may lead to suicidal signs. In conclusion,
food
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 is
one
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 of the main causes of obesity and
effects
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the effects
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from
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of
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 that kind of lifestyle may lead to serious problems in mental and physical health, which in the future escalate to a fatal outcome.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, but it would benefit from more effective paragraphing and the use of cohesive devices (e.g., furthermore, however, therefore). Try to vary your linking words more to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
You've addressed the task by discussing causes and effects, but to achieve a higher score, deepen your analysis of each point. Instead of just listing causes and effects, explain why these causes lead to obesity and how exactly these effects manifest in children's lives. Use more specific examples and data to support your claims.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • advancements in technology
  • physical activities
  • availability
  • popularity
  • fast food
  • high-calorie
  • marketed aggressively
  • preferred choice
  • lack of awareness
  • education
  • healthy eating habits
  • nutritional values
  • dietary choices
  • physical
  • psychological
  • risk
  • developing
  • serious health problems
  • diabetes
  • high blood pressure
  • heart disease
  • bullying
  • social isolation
  • low self-esteem
  • depression
  • anxiety
  • long-term impact
  • quality of life
  • personal and professional life
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