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Band 5.5

Given the high unemployment rate, it is recommended that the government only provide primary education and no secondary education. What do you think? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge.

#unemployment #rate #government #education
Due to
 the high
unemployment
 rate, whether the government should only provide primary
education
 and no secondary
education
 or not has sparked controversy recently. From my perspective, I argue against
this
 opinion for two main reasons as follows.
To begin
 with,
people
 who are only provided with primary
education
 and no secondary
education
 will be limited in finding suitable
job
positions
. Theoretically speaking, pursuing secondary
education
 and higher will provide
people
an
Add the preposition
with an
show examples
 opportunity to obtain enough knowledge from various majors, thereby giving them a chance to explore their untapped potential.
Consequently
, without the knowledge from secondary school,
people
 may
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some soft skills
as well as
 the professional skills for the
job
 requirements.
That is
 to say, they will not be able to be qualified for any working position;
therefore
, the
unemployment
 rate would have been even higher than ever before. In the second place, the lack of secondary
education
 has negative impacts on the
job
 opportunities of a country. Generally speaking,
not to mention
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the lack of quality of human resources
due to
 the miss of
education
, many
job
positions
 related to secondary programs will likely be eradicated as they are no longer in need. Taking teaching
job
positions
 as an example, the number of secondary teachers will be reduced without being provided any substitute jobs.
According to
 a survey, most teachers didn't prepare to be unemployed or moved to another level of
education
 as each stage of
education
such
 as primary, secondary, etc, required at least one related certification which would be time-consuming to get. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
word
Fix the agreement mistake
words
show examples
, the
unemployment
 rate will rise
due to
 the eradication of some
job
positions
. All things considered, I personally believe that providing primary
education
 and no secondary
education
 will prevent
people
 from having enough skills to apply for suitable jobs and shorten the number of
job
 opportunities related to secondary
education
.
Therefore
, the
unemployment
 problem will become worse to solve.
Submitted by work.thanhngoc on

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coherence cohesion
Introduce more varied linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs, enhancing overall coherence.
task achievement
Provide more specific, real-life examples to support your main points. This will make your argument more convincing and relevant.
task achievement
Consider expanding your conclusion to not just restate your opinion but also to suggest potential solutions or further areas of consideration.
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