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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Given the high unemployment rate, it is recommended that the government only provide primary education and no secondary education. What do you think? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge.

#unemployment #rate #government #education
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Due to
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 the high
unemployment
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 rate, whether the government should only provide primary
education
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 and no secondary
education
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 or not has sparked controversy recently. From my perspective, I argue against
this
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 opinion for two main reasons as follows.
To begin
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 with,
people
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 who are only provided with primary
education
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 and no secondary
education
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 will be limited in finding suitable
job
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positions
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. Theoretically speaking, pursuing secondary
education
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 and higher will provide
people
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an
Add the preposition
with an
show examples
 opportunity to obtain enough knowledge from various majors, thereby giving them a chance to explore their untapped potential.
Consequently
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, without the knowledge from secondary school,
people
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 may
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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lack
of
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apply
show examples
some soft skills
as well as
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 the professional skills for the
job
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 requirements.
That is
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 to say, they will not be able to be qualified for any working position;
therefore
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, the
unemployment
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 rate would have been even higher than ever before. In the second place, the lack of secondary
education
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 has negative impacts on the
job
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 opportunities of a country. Generally speaking,
not to mention
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about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the lack of quality of human resources
due to
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 the miss of
education
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, many
job
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positions
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 related to secondary programs will likely be eradicated as they are no longer in need. Taking teaching
job
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positions
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 as an example, the number of secondary teachers will be reduced without being provided any substitute jobs.
According to
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 a survey, most teachers didn't prepare to be unemployed or moved to another level of
education
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 as each stage of
education
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such
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 as primary, secondary, etc, required at least one related certification which would be time-consuming to get. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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other
word
Fix the agreement mistake
words
show examples
, the
unemployment
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 rate will rise
due to
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 the eradication of some
job
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positions
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. All things considered, I personally believe that providing primary
education
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 and no secondary
education
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 will prevent
people
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 from having enough skills to apply for suitable jobs and shorten the number of
job
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 opportunities related to secondary
education
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.
Therefore
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, the
unemployment
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 problem will become worse to solve.
Submitted by work.thanhngoc on

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coherence cohesion
Introduce more varied linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs, enhancing overall coherence.
task achievement
Provide more specific, real-life examples to support your main points. This will make your argument more convincing and relevant.
task achievement
Consider expanding your conclusion to not just restate your opinion but also to suggest potential solutions or further areas of consideration.
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