IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In some places, teenagers are encouraged to get part-time jobs while they are still in school. Do the advantages of teenager working outweigh the disadvantages?

#places #teenagers #jobs #school #teenager
It is a common belief that having part-time
jobs
 is not helpful for teenagers,
in particular
.
However
, there is a more persuasive argument that working
as
Correct your spelling
a
show examples
 part-time
jobs
Fix the agreement mistake
job
show examples
 is one of the
experiences
 that teenagers cannot achieve and learn from
school
. I personally believe that we could encourage them to taste the experience of being an adult as a part of society. On the one hand,
students
 should not be encouraged to get part-time
jobs
 because it will significantly
affect
Verb problem
cause
show examples
 them
losing
Change the verb form
to lose
show examples
 their purpose as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 by spending time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working somewhere.
This
 is because it will eventually drive them to concentrate on getting broad knowledge from
school
instead
 of money.
For example
, if they
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
regularly go to work after
schooling
Replace the word
school
show examples
, doing assignments for the next day is not enough, even more co-working with their classmates will be less than their
school
 curriculum. Ultimately, they could seek to maximize earning money, not learning what they need to do in the future.
Nevertheless
, having mini
jobs
 will be helpful for
students
 since it promotes a wide range of possibilities to see the future and what they will do after graduation.
According to
 recent research, having both
experiences
, working and studying, makes
students
' spectrum of thinking wider than other
students
 who did not have work
experiences
such
 as training high
school
 internship programs, because it expands their barrier of thinking and links what they are doing at the workplace with their knowledge they achieved from
school
. To sum it all up,
while
 there are some disadvantages to
students
 if they have part-time
jobs
, it is evident that the advantages of learning professional work
experiences
 with schooling outweigh them.
Submitted by lss870311 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
To enhance your task achievement score, focus on developing your main points with a range of relevant, specific examples. This approach will help to strengthen your argument, making it more compelling and comprehensive. Consider including statistics, personal anecdotes, or case studies that directly support your stance on the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, strive for a logical progression of ideas throughout your essay. Each paragraph should focus on a clear main point, supported by examples and explanations. Linking phrases (e.g., 'On the other hand,' 'Furthermore') can help transition smoothly between points. Additionally, review your essay to ensure that it is well-organized and that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: