IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children's development than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #activities #children #development #computer #games
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It is believed by some people that it is
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
healthier to do outdoor
activities
 than indoor
activities
. I totally agree with them and I explain why it is so essential to do
this
 for
children
. First of all, outdoor
activities
 have many advantages for both physical and mental health. The beneficial effects of
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
activities
 help circulation and often
affecting
Wrong verb form
affect
show examples
 certain parts of the body,
such
 as heart disease.
For instance
, with doing
activities
 like running, jumping and a
leisurety
Correct your spelling
leisurely
 stroll, it would be less likely
ti
Correct your spelling
to
show examples
 gain weight.
In other words
, when
children
 do
this
 every day like jumping and running, to name a few,
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 change in a good way.
Additionally
, open-air
activities
 help to improve mental well-being as well. All of these entertainments require groups of people.
Thus
, encourages
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
social
life
 and finding friends in real
life
, Cuz, being alone
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lowers the risk of mental illnesses. Especially, indoor games
such
 as digital screen
life
,
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is so poor
life
 and a dead place for me. When
children
 have spent time too much time online and have lost touch with reality. They should have
touch
Replace the word
touched
show examples
 grass from my point of view. If
children
continued
Wrong verb form
continue
show examples
 for a long period of time,
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
children
 end up isolated, addicted
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 social
life
 and get some
Correct your spelling
psychological
pyschological
Correct your spelling
psychological
 issues. In conclusion, it is extremely advantageous to inspire the new
generate
Replace the word
generation
show examples
 to spend most of their
tiny
Correct your spelling
time
show examples
 playing outdoor games rather than sitting in front of their screens and playing games.
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

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Introduction
Your essay should start with a clear introduction stating your viewpoint. Avoid general statements and directly address the essay question.
Introduction
Include a thesis statement at the end of your introduction to clearly outline the main points you will discuss.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use paragraphing to organize your essay. Each paragraph should have a clear central topic. Connect your ideas using cohesive devices like conjunctions, pronouns, or synonyms.
Body Paragraphs
In the body paragraphs, support your arguments with specific examples or evidence. This strengthens your argument and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the topic.
Tone
Avoid informal language and short forms (e.g., 'Cuz', 'ti'). Maintain a formal tone throughout your essay.
Grammar
Work on your grammar and sentence structures to improve clarity. Avoid long sentences that are difficult to follow, and check your essay for grammatical errors.
Conclusion
End with a conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your position. Make sure your conclusion is clearly differentiated from the rest of your essay.
Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that your examples are directly relevant to the question. Also, try to cover a wider range of ideas related to the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, logically organize your ideas, and smoothly transition between them. This helps the reader follow your argument more easily.
Proofreading
Proofread your essay to correct any spelling or punctuation errors, and to ensure that your ideas are clearly expressed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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