IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some employers offer their employees subsidized memberships of gyms and sport clubs, believing that this will make their staff healthier and more effective at work, other employers see no benefit in doing so. Discuss both views and present your opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In some companies, managers think they have to create some clubs or gyms for their employees and could help
staff
Use synonyms
 to reach the aim of the company and employees more than work.
on the other hand
Linking Words
 , in
science
Add an article
the science
show examples
 of
managing
Replace the word
management
show examples
 some argue
about
Change preposition
that
show examples
 it is not a good idea and it can help to raise
of
Correct your spelling
or
show examples
make goods.
in
Capitalize word
In
show examples
this
Linking Words
 essay
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 try to discuss two ideas and
the
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 end
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 speak about my idea.
firstly
Linking Words
 , when you have
Add an article
a
show examples
healthy
staff
Use synonyms
 . you shouldn'
t
Use synonyms
 have a good insecurity, and you save more money. so your
staff
Use synonyms
 don'
t
Use synonyms
 go to rest
although
Linking Words
 your
staff
Use synonyms
 need to have time for go to
gym
Add an article
the gym
show examples
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
it's not anxious.
Linking Words
secondly
Add a comma
secondly,
show examples
 nowadays I see the generation has changed and people like to play sport or be athletes because many people are advertising
this
Linking Words
 issue that helps bosses to control the
freetimes
Correct your spelling
free times
free time
 of their
staff
Use synonyms
 .specially in new companies that need
invite
Fix the infinitive
to invite
show examples
 people to produce new goods .scientists explored
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Add an article
the affect
show examples
affect
Replace the word
effect
show examples
 of sport to work brain and it's very good. opposite idea , it
focuse
Correct your spelling
focuses
focus
 to if workout can'
t
Use synonyms
 help to raise of products so we don'
t
Use synonyms
 need to do.They said I can invest
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
another models
Replace the adjective
another model
other models
show examples
 .
for example
Linking Words
 they will be able to reserve
hotel
Add an article
a hotel
the hotel
show examples
 for their
staff
Use synonyms
 and they can use
for
Correct pronoun usage
it for
show examples
rest
Correct article usage
the rest
show examples
 .though
It's
Verb problem
it
show examples
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
staff
Use synonyms
 to connect to their family.
inaddition
Correct your spelling
In addition
,
boss
Add an article
the boss
a boss
show examples
 can get more
salariess
Correct your spelling
salaries
 to
staff
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
help
Change the verb form
helping
show examples
 them.if
boss
Add an article
the boss
show examples
 can increase
produces
Replace the word
production
show examples
 actually they can get more money. in conclusion ,I think
staff
Use synonyms
 important part of a factory and managers must help them to get the best end up. If they increase
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 area they will
can
Remove a modal verb
apply
show examples
bound some
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 of
staff
Use synonyms
 and don'
t
Use synonyms
 need to use
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 thing
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their company.I
thing
Correct your spelling
think
show examples
Correct article usage
a sportman
show examples
sportman
Correct your spelling
sportsman
sportsmen
better than
inactive
Correct article usage
an inactive
show examples
 man.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Focus on structuring your essay clearly. Start with an introduction that clearly states the topic and your opinion, followed by paragraphs each discussing one view, and conclude with your opinion summarizing the discussed views.
Task Achievement
Develop your main points more fully with specific examples and explanations. Currently, the essay lacks clear examples and detailed explanations that support the opinion or views being discussed.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use paragraphs to organize your ideas more clearly. Each main idea should be in its own paragraph, with a clear topic sentence and supporting sentences.
Coherence and Cohesion
Be mindful of grammar and spelling. Errors can make your essay difficult to understand and distract from your argument.
Task Achievement
For improved task achievement, ensure that your essay directly addresses all parts of the prompt. Include a discussion of both views as well as a clear statement of your own opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: