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Band 6.5

In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are spending more and more of their time indoors. What do you think are the causes of this problem? What measures could best be taken to solve it?

6.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays, spending leisure
time
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 indoors has become a global trend among the younger generation, severely affecting their
overall
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wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
 and academic performance. As
this
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 problem continues to escalate, identifying its root causes and implementing effective solutions has become increasingly urgent.
This
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 essay will explore the primary contributors to
this
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 harmful
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
 and propose viable strategies to address the issue.
Body paragraph 1
One significant cause of
this
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 shift toward indoor leisure is the widespread access to digital technology and social media platforms. Captivated by endless content feeds and online entertainment, young people frequently neglect active, meaningful outdoor pastimes.
For instance
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, multiplayer online games
such
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 as Roblox and Fortnite have replaced traditional outdoor play.
Therefore
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,
instead
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 of meeting at a local playground or football field, children prefer to interact and play with their peers through chat rooms.
Additionally
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, academic pressure plays a major role, as excessive workloads force students to spend their remaining free
time
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 at their desks.
Body paragraph 2
One effective way to tackle
this
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 issue is parental intervention in regulating screen
time
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. When access to addictive platforms is restricted, young people are more likely to opt for wholesome, engaging leisure
activities
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.
For example
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, the Google Family Link app helps parents to create healthy digital habits by setting strict daily limits on application usage and device
time
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.
Moreover
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, educational institutions should establish homework limits to mitigate pupils’ sedentary
lifestyle
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lifestyles
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. If schools reduce daily assignments, students will have the opportunity to dedicate their free
time
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 to sports and other extracurricular
activities
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the preference for indoor
activities
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 stems from excessive device usage and academic workload.
Nonetheless
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, by cutting down on internet access and school assignments, significant progress can be made in encouraging outdoor
activities
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. It is imperative that both parents and educational institutions take responsibility to protect the younger generation from a sedentary lifestyle.

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task response
Answer both parts well. You give two clear causes and two clear ways to help. To make the answer even stronger, explain more clearly why less homework will lead to more time outside, not only more free time at home.
task response
Your ideas are clear, but some claims are too strong. For example, say that time indoors can affect health and school work, rather than saying it severely affects both in all cases.
task response
The examples of games and the parent app are useful. Add one more real-world example, such as safe parks, free sports clubs, or school trips, to make the solutions wider and more practical.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, causes, solutions, and ending. Keep this shape, but make the link from each cause to its matching solution more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Most linking words work well, such as “Additionally”, “Moreover”, and “Nonetheless”. Do not use too many in a short essay; sometimes a simple first sentence in a new paragraph is enough.
coherence and cohesion
In the first body paragraph, the move from games to school work is a little quick. Add a short link, such as “A second cause is school pressure,” so the reader can follow the change more easily.
task response
You deal with both the causes and the solutions, and your main ideas stay on the topic.
task response
The examples of Roblox, Fortnite, and Google Family Link make your points easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main purpose, so the essay is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
The opening clearly states what the essay will discuss, and the ending brings the main points together.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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