Write about the following topic: Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Some individuals believe
that is
unjust that 65 years old people
should end their work life at this
age, no matter their occupation. They think that certain employees should be allow
to retire and get Change the verb form
be allowed
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
walfare
payment at an early age. In my opinion, I agree with Correct your spelling
welfare
this
statment
and, in Correct your spelling
statement
this
essay a
will present my thoughts about it.
Correct pronoun usage
I
Firstly
, a lot
of jobs
are risky rather than others. Specifically, many people
around the world develop some occupations that involve a lot
of risks for themselves in developing main
tasks that those Correct article usage
the main
jobs
require. For example
, in Australia
45% of foreign Add a comma
Australia,
people
works
in the mines. Change the verb form
work
This
expouse
individuals to work in dangerous Correct your spelling
expose
exposes
exposure
enviroment
.
Correct your spelling
environments
environment
Additionally
, several jobs
demands
more hours. Particularly, continuing with the idea of risky occupations, some of these request to spend a Change the verb form
demand
lot
of hours during a long period of time that
Correct pronoun usage
which
lead
to employees Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
to
stress and not having Fix the infinitive
apply
a
good health. Remove the article
apply
Consequently
, these kind
of Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
jobs
not
allow to individual have a regular life and Add a missing verb
do not
dicrease
their health. Correct your spelling
decrease
For instance
, a
Correct article usage
apply
resent
research Correct your spelling
recent
take
by Verb problem
done
cientist
in North America, has shown that 70% of Correct your spelling
scientists
people
who spend a lot
of hours expoused
to Correct your spelling
exposed
quimicals
in the minesCorrect your spelling
chemicals
,
present an Remove the comma
apply
unhalthy
life than those who have regular Correct your spelling
unhealthy
jobs
.
To conclude
, I believe that is
fair to get an early retirement for that part of society which are
doing dangerous and risky Correct subject-verb agreement
is
jobs
.Submitted by msolemilocco on
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coherence cohesion
You should make sure that your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion that sums up your argument. Focus on making your argument flow logically from one point to the next.
task achievement
Your response partially addresses the prompt but could be improved by more directly stating your opinion and clearly addressing each part of the question. Ensure that you elaborate on why certain workers deserve early retirement and explicitly mention which types of workers you believe should benefit from this.
language accuracy
Pay attention to your spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Errors in these areas can make your argument difficult to follow. Consider revising sentences that are unclear or contain errors, and practice using a wider range of vocabulary and grammatical structures.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
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