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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the cinema attendance in Australia and the average cinema visits by different age groups from 1996 to 2000. Information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparison where relevant.

The graph below shows the cinema attendance in Australia and the average cinema visits by different age groups from 1996 to 2000. Information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparison where relevant.
#cinema #attendance #australia #visits #age #groups #information #features #comparison
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The provided table
depic
Correct your spelling
depict
depicts
 the ratio of people
visited
Correct pronoun usage
who visited
show examples
cinema
Add an article
the cinema
show examples
 in Australia.
While
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the line chart illustrates the age group of
visitors
 visited in Australian cinemas. The data is provided from
year
 1996 to 2000.
Overall
, it is clearly seen
frm
Correct your spelling
from
 the table that, from the
year
 1996 the attendance of
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 analysing the line graph for the in the
year
 1996 out of total
visitors
 15%n cinemas has elevated at
higher
Add an article
a higher
the higher
show examples
 rate.
However
, out of the total attendance,
maximum
Correct article usage
the maximum
show examples
visitors
Correct quantifier usage
number of visitors
show examples
 were youngsters. Looking at the table in detail, in the
year
 1996,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
attendance
of
Change preposition
at
show examples
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
show examples
falls
Replace the word
fell
show examples
 was 62% which rays by 10 percentage in 1997 and remained
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 for another
year
.
However
, in 1999, the ratio mitigated up to 70% and again in the
year
 it reached
at
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
72%. The Average visits
where
Correct your spelling
were
show examples
 10.3 in the
year
 1996 and 11.1 in 1997. 8.3 in the
year
 2000. Analysing the line graph
further
, in the
year
 1996, out of total
visitors
 15
where
Correct your spelling
were
show examples
 from 14 to 25
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
 old compared to 10 of 50 + age.
However
, the numbers of
former
Correct article usage
the former
show examples
 group elevated to 22 in the
year
 1997 and 24 in the
year
 1999.
Similarly
,
crowd
Add an article
the crowd
a crowd
show examples
 who visited
cinema
Add an article
the cinema
show examples
 in 1997
out of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
 16
where
Correct your spelling
were
show examples
 of
latter
Correct article usage
the latter
show examples
 age group.
Submitted by tpatel.291105 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words visitors, year with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "provided" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cinema attendance
  • Average visits
  • Fluctuation
  • Demographics
  • Trends
  • Consistency
  • Impact
  • Technological advancements
  • Economic conditions
  • Speculation
  • Growth
  • Decline
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