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Band 5.5

Due to so many young people dropping out of schools, the rate of unemployment is increasing, and it affects our society in different ways. In your opinion, how can this situation be improved?

#people #schools #rate #unemployment #society #situation
Nowadays, many youngsters are
being dropped
Wrong verb form
dropping
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 out
from
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of
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 school because of many excuses,
as
Correct word choice
and as
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 a result, there is an increase in the number of jobless
and
Correct word choice
which
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bring
Verb problem
has
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 detrimental
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
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to
Change preposition
on
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 our society.
This
sitution
Correct your spelling
situation
 can be improved by enforcing strict
regulation
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regulations
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 related to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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compulsary
Correct your spelling
compulsory
 education up to a certain age limit regardless
the
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of the
show examples
background
 of problematic
students
 and providing financial assistance to
students
 from poor
economy
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economic
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background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
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. One of the excuses why the
students
 are dropped out is when they are involved in
commiting
Correct your spelling
committing
 a crime called juvenile delinquency. Following up on that reason, the
students
 will be given punishment like being imprisoned.
However
,
government
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the government
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 can facilitate them by giving
a
Correct pronoun usage
them a
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proper education
as well as
rehabilition
Correct your spelling
rehabilitation
 in the same place and time.
Thus
, once they are released, they will be well-educated individuals and it is obviously
such
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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a
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the
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 best way to reduce their possibility
to commit
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of committing
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 the same crime. Another reason
of
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for
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 dropping out is related to the high cost of education itself.
For those
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Those
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 coming from
poor
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the poor
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economy
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economic
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background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
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, they will face difficulty
to pay
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in paying
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 tuition
fee
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fees
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while
 they need to struggle to
fullfill
Correct your spelling
fulfil
 their staple
necessary
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necessities
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.
Bad
Correct article usage
The bad
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 news, many schools do not tolerate
this
 excuse and will automatically drop out those who cannot pay the fee.
Government
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The government
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 need to help them by giving them financial assistance primarily for tuition
fee
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fees
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.
To conclude
, everyone has the same right
of being
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to be
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 educated
from
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at
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 school, and
government
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the government
show examples
 can help them with several actions tailored to the
background
 of their problem.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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task response
To improve task response, ensure that your essay directly addresses every aspect of the prompt. Be clear about your opinions and support them with more diverse and detailed examples. Consider including counter-arguments and refutations to show a thorough understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, work on seamlessly connecting your ideas. Use a variety of linking phrases beyond the basics and ensure paragraphs flow logically. It can be helpful to outline your essay before writing to guarantee a logical progression of ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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