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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the percentage of households owning four types of electronic devices between 1995 and 2015. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. (line graph)

The chart below shows the percentage of households owning four types of electronic devices between 1995 and 2015. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. (line graph)
The line graph provides information
in
Change preposition
on
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 per cent of people having a variety of gadgets using electricity in a period of two decades from 1995 up to 2015.In
overwiew
Correct your spelling
overview
, humans
have
Wrong verb form
had
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 MP3
player
Fix the agreement mistake
players
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, cellular
as well as
Linking Words
 a computer in the year 1995,
however
Linking Words
, they started using
tablet
Fix the agreement mistake
tablets
show examples
 around 2003.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there was a sharp increase in the households using cell
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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 from about 9% to 70% in five years and
then
Linking Words
 a constant acceleration over the rest of the period.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
those
Change preposition
of those
show examples
 who owned music
player
Fix the agreement mistake
players
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 for twenty years, there were only around twenty-five per cent.
Thus
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 was the least
in
Change preposition
apply
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rising
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
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over
Change preposition
among
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 electronic home user devices.
Moreover
Linking Words
, laptop
as well as
Linking Words
 smartphone owners rose together in 1995 but those who
has
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 a computer had never surpassed mobile users until the end of the period.To add on,
Linking Words
although
Correct word choice
apply
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apartments with a tablet commenced later on around
year
Change the article
the year
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 2003 and it
also
Linking Words
overtaked
Correct your spelling
overtook
show examples
 MP3
player
Fix the agreement mistake
players
show examples
 in almost 2009 with
Correct article usage
a drastical
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drastical
Correct your spelling
drastic
 uprising of tablet owners.
Lastly
Linking Words
, both households owning
cell
Add an article
a cell
show examples
 phone and a desktop ended up with the same percentage of approximately 95%

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "as well as".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • line chart
  • ownership percentages
  • electronic devices
  • 20-year period
  • significant increases
  • significant decreases
  • detailed comparison
  • highest ownership rates
  • dramatic changes
  • potential reasons
  • trends
  • shifts
  • insights
  • implications
  • future device ownership patterns
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