IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting & reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting & reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity #summarise #information #features #comparison
The bar chart illustrates what is the difference between
men
 and
women
 in Australia who did sport, separating into different groups
according to
age
 in 2010.
Firstly
 ,
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
age
group
 of 15 to 24,
men
 reached
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
52.8 per
cent
,
while
women
 just under 50 per
cent
.
The
Change preposition
In the
show examples
 next
group
 which is 25 to 34 years, the number of
men
 is going down to 42.2 per
cent
,
when
Correct word choice
while
show examples
women
 are
little
Correct article usage
a little
show examples
 less than 50, with 48.9. Moving forward to the next
age
group
, for the first time
women
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 reached just over
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half per
cent
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
when
Correct word choice
while
show examples
men
 are under 40 per
cent
, which is the least
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 compared with all the
age
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 and
also
 the biggest difference between
women
 and
men
.
The
Change preposition
In the
show examples
 next two
ages
Change the noun form
age
show examples
 groups,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
women
 are still on the top,
over
Change preposition
at over
show examples
 50 per
cent
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
men
around
Change preposition
at around
show examples
 45 per
cent
.
Finally
,
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
age
group
 of 65 and over, the difference is more or less the same, both of them,
women
 and
men
 are just under 50 with 46.7 per
cent
men
 and 47.1 per
cent
women
.
Submitted by atomoiaga46 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, age, group, cent with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "just under" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: