IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

2- Playing computer games only has negative effects on children To What extent do you agree or disagree?

#computer #games #effects #children
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In today’s society,
computer
games
 are an integral part of
children
’s lives. Some people believe that
computer
games
 only negatively affect kids,
while
 others disagree with
this
 idea. I totally agree with the statement, and in
this
 essay, I will explore various dimensions of the issue and provide an analysis of its extent to support my position.
Firstly
,
computer
games
 have enabled
children
 to play with others in person
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the playground and make them non-social
additionally
 lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
communication
skills
.
This
 is because,
due to
 the advent of online
games
 on computers, mobile phones connect online irrespective of location.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 some game
app
Fix the agreement mistake
apps
show examples
 on mobile phones or tablets provide
children
 connect to
games
 online and play with their friends via some platforms
such
 as
twitch
Capitalize word
Twitch
show examples
.
Moreover
reaching
Verb problem
playing
show examples
computer
games
 easily via mobile gadgets
makes
Change the verb form
make
show examples
children
 lazy because they can earn
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
dopamine without any
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
thus
 they do not need
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
rewards to be happy.
Therefore
,
it is clear that
computer
games
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 effect on kids.
Secondly
,
motor
skills
 are very important in our lives in order to
able
Correct your spelling
be
show examples
 good at something
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 instance, doing any sport, driving, carrying something using a knife
while
 cooking, which are some examples from our daily routine on the ground that
children
 should improve their
motor
skills
 for future life. But
motor
skills
 can
be improve
Change the verb form
be improved
show examples
 in
real
Add an article
the real
show examples
 world not in artificial game platforms.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 in previous times
children
 used to spend time
outdoor
Replace the word
outdoors
show examples
 with fellas and use real material to create some
games
 which
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 enhance holding
skills
 one of
motor
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
. In conclusion, I would agree that playing
computer
games
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 only negative effects on kids.
Submitted by askinfirataskin on

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task achievement
You have addressed the topic, but your response could be more developed. Expand upon your ideas and arguments more fully to meet the task requirements more effectively.
coherence cohesion
You have a structure in place, but your essay lacks clear, logical connections between ideas. Try to use transitional phrases and ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next.
task achievement
Support your main points with more detailed examples or evidence. Your examples are good but could be expanded upon to strengthen your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive skills
  • problem-solving
  • strategic thinking
  • spatial awareness
  • hand-eye coordination
  • reaction times
  • social isolation
  • detrimental effects
  • behavior and attitude
  • multiplayer and online games
  • fostering
  • addiction
  • obesity
  • eyestrain
  • prolonged screen time
What to do next:
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