IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

You came to know about a piece of equipment that would help you at your workplace. Write a letter to your manager. In your letter – describe the equipment – explain how it might be useful at your workplace – offer help in purchasing it

#piece #equipment #workplace #manager #offer
Dear Sir , I am writing
this
 letter to express my views about the laptop which will help us to flourish our small business across the world. As you know, in the modern era , everyone
use
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uses
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 technology for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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different purposes with the help of
Internet
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the Internet
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 and the enormous
equipments
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equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
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 are easily available in the market. Why not
we
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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purchase a laptop to make a connection with the people who have no clue about our clothing brand? We will download different social media sites like Instagram and Snapchat in order to promote our business and generate revenue. The usage of the laptop is very simple and convenient and
also
 we can save our time and energy
moreover
 , taking care of the
finance
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finances
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 and
record of
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recording
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 the orders would be easier. My friend has a shop where he
sell
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sells
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 electronic gadgets
this
 way , we will get an amazing discount on the best quality . Let me know if you consider my suggestion. I am looking forward to hearing from you . Yours faithfully, Jai
Submitted by Kaurharvinder2984 on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure your letter has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion to enhance the logical structure. While your letter is structured, improving the flow between ideas could make your argument more compelling.
task achievement
Begin your letter with a more specific introduction that clearly outlines the purpose of your message. Consider explicitly stating the equipment you are addressing (e.g., 'laptop for business expansion') to immediately orient your reader.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas. This will help your letter flow more smoothly and make your arguments more coherent.
task achievement
Include more detailed examples of how the equipment will benefit your workplace, such as specific functionalities of the laptop that will be used for business promotion.
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