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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The graph below shows changes in young adult unemployment rates in England between 1993 and 2012.

The graph below shows changes in young adult unemployment rates in England between 1993 and 2012.
The information about the percentage of unemployed young individuals in
England
Use synonyms
 between 1993 and 2012 is depicted by the given line graph.
Overall
Linking Words
, the most striking feature of the given chart is that the maximum number of unemployed youngsters aged between 16-24 were seen in
London
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,
while
Linking Words
 the least jobless youth was found in the
overall
Linking Words
rest
Use synonyms
 of
England
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. Taking a cursory glance, it can be inferred that unemployed people in
Linking Words
overall
Correct article usage
the overall
show examples
rest
Use synonyms
 of
London
Use synonyms
 started
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
early
Correct article usage
an early
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 10% in 1993,
then
Linking Words
 decreased and reached
at
Change preposition
apply
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just below 5% in 2005 before rising exponentially to 7% in the year 2012.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in 1993 jobless young ones in
Linking Words
overall
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
London
Use synonyms
, followed
trend
Add an article
a trend
show examples
 similar to the former category so it started at 14% and ended at nearly 10% in 2012. Moving to the
further
Linking Words
 details, in the year 1993, a difference of almost 4% can be noticed between jobless males and females(16-24 years) in
London
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 and
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rest
Correct article usage
the rest
show examples
 of
England
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whereas
Linking Words
 the unemployed people(16-24 years) in
Use synonyms
rest
Correct article usage
the rest
show examples
 of
London
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 were exactly one
quater
Correct your spelling
quarter
 which are considerably more than
rest
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 of
England
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(16-24 years) who made up
one fifth
Add a hyphen
one-fifth
show examples
 of the whole in the year 2012.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words england, london, rest with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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