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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that song lyrics which glorify violence and criminal lifestyle should be banned. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of such a ban.

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There is an opinion that
songs
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 with lyrics which romanticize
violence
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 and abuse should be banned. The negative aspect is that those
songs
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 affect
people
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's minds, especially the young generation highly influenced and may see characters from the song as role models,
therefore
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 copying their abusive behaviour.
However
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, there are some benefits,
such
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 as
Add a missing verb
being
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free from censored content, so
people
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 can choose what to listen to by themselves. The drawback of
this
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 music is a harmful effect on
children
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's
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mindsets
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mindset
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mindsets
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,
hence
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 those
songs
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 normalize
violence
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,
therefore
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 some
children
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 may even lose their moral compass.
For instance
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, there are a lot of individuals who started smoking because it was depicted in the cinematography as a romanticized activity.
Moreover
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,
children
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 may start to be physically or verbally abusive towards their peers.
Therefore
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, humanity should protect
children
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 from harmful content by blocking
songs
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 with texts that propagate
violence
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 and criminal lifestyles.
On the other hand
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, censoring is an instrument that controls
people
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 for government.
For instance
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, China is banning a lot of content, media, and applications,
as a result
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, they have total control over
citizen's
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citizens'
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 information flow.
Furthermore
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, the government can use the ban system to change and manipulate
people
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's opinions in a useful for
them
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their
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 way.
Therefore
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, blocking is an instrument that gives a lot of power to the government. In conclusion, banning is an instrument that may be used to control
people
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's opinions.
However
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, the effect of
songs
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 that glorify criminal lifestyles is more serious,
hence
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 those lyrics mess up ideas and normalize
violence
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 among
children
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.

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Introduction
Be sure to introduce your topic clearly and provide a brief outline of your essay in the introduction. This sets the stage for your discussion and informs the reader about the structure of your essay.
Cohesion
Work on creating more cohesive transitions between paragraphs for smoother flow. Phrases such as 'On the other hand' and 'In conclusion' are good, but using a variety of transitional expressions can enhance readability.
Conclusion
Try to expand your conclusion to not only summarize the main points but also to clearly state your position on the issue. This strengthens the overall impact of your essay.
Task Response
Include a more diverse range of examples and evidence to support your arguments. While you provided some examples, incorporating data, studies, or more varied real-world examples could strengthen your points.
Coherence
Ensure that all main claims are thoroughly supported by either logical reasoning or solid evidence. Each paragraph should clearly relate to your thesis statement and contribute to building your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • glorify
  • ban
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • promotes
  • positive
  • messages
  • values
  • protects
  • impressionable
  • individuals
  • young people
  • reduces
  • influence
  • harmful
  • content
  • society
  • encourages
  • artists
  • uplifting
  • meaningful
  • music
  • decreases
  • normalizing
  • violent
  • criminal
  • behavior
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