IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

You live in a room in the college hostel which has severe problems. You would like to move into another room and need your hostel super's permission for that. Write a letter to the hostel super. In your letter, introduce yourself describe the problems explain what type of room you would prefer

#room #college #hostel #move #permission #type
Dear Sir, I am writing
this
 letter to request you to change my
room
 because I have ample
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
problems
while
 living in the hostel
room
 . My name is Jai Verma and I am a student of computer science in your prestige college. Currently, I am in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 fourth semester and recently, I got recognized by my teacher because I got
first
Change the article
the first
show examples
 position in my department. I am
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 determined and decided student simultaneously,
this
 spectacular and majestic performance
lead
Wrong verb form
led
show examples
 me to another level of success .
However
, I want to perform best
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 year but I didn't think
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
this
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 be possible. There is a specific reason behind
this
 notion that I shared a
room
 with four other students and I
am
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 not able to concentrate on my studies
hence
, the situation became convoluted for me due
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 noise created by other roommates. I would prefer
solo
Add an article
a solo
show examples
room
 where no one can create distortion
hence
, it will be easier for me to give my 100% in order to achieve my dreams and make my partners and mentors proud. I am looking forward to hearing from you. Yours faithfully, Jai
Submitted by Kaurharvinder2984 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
You have provided a clear introduction and request which is good, however, to enhance task achievement, ensure that each paragraph distinctly addresses a single aspect of the prompt. For instance, distinctly separate your introduction, the description of problems, and your room preference more clearly.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, work on connecting your ideas more smoothly. Try using a wider range of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases ('Moreover', 'Therefore', 'As a result', etc.) to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your letter would benefit from a more precise conclusion. Summarize your request succinctly and express your expectation for a positive response. This enhances the logical structure and ties your letter together more cohesively.
Task Achievement
Review and correct minor grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. Aim for precision and conciseness in your expressions. Avoid overly complicated sentences that might distract from your main point.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: