IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People spend large amounts of time and money on clothes, hairstyles and make up to change their appearance. Is it important for people to be concerned about the way they look? What are the consequences of focussing on physical appearance? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

a person's appearance affects how
others
Use synonyms
 think about you and the way they view themselves. Nowadays, a huge amount of money is spent on a person's look. I think it consumes a lot of time and money. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss
should
Correct word choice
whether should
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 worry about their physical images and the effect it has on them.
firstly
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,
people
Use synonyms
 treat
others
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base
Wrong verb form
based
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 on what they wear, which brand or designer. They
distingush
Correct your spelling
distinguish
 your social class based on that.
As a result
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,
people
Use synonyms
 can buy something they don't need or can even afford in order to feel that they are fit among
others
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.
Secondly
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, some
people
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 change how they look, they change their haircut or colour,
although
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 those changes might not match their personality. surely, it doesn't matter how
others
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 think about you as long as you are confident.
Therefore
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,
people
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 should focus more on what they have, they should embrace themselves, rather than listen to negative
comment
Fix the agreement mistake
comments
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. Thinking of
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others
Change noun form
others'
other's
show examples
atitude
Correct your spelling
attitudes
 can put a huge burden on personal emotions. One
spend
Change the verb form
spends
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 a lot of money on a piece of cloth or jewellery in favour of other basic life needs.
Moreover
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, it can lead to serious mental health issues,
such
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 as anxiety or even worse
as
Change preposition
apply
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depression.
For example
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, someone
stop
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stops
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 eating
as a consequence
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 of someone saying "You're fat".
Others
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 can even make themselves vomit intentionally if they think that they ate too much. in conclusion, society should not listen to harsh comments. They should
proud
Add a missing verb
be proud
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what
Change preposition
of what
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 they got already. The community must respect
different
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
others
Change noun form
others'
other's
show examples
 images and provide support for those who really need to change.

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task achievement
To improve task response, ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the question. While you touch on why people might focus on their appearance and some consequences, including more specific examples and a wider range of arguments would strengthen your response. For a higher score, consider both sides of the argument and use real-life examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a basic structure but lacks transitions between ideas, making it less coherent. To improve, use connecting words and phrases to link sentences and paragraphs. This will help your essay flow more logically from one idea to the next. Also, consider creating a more detailed plan before you start writing to ensure a clear structure is in place.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to accuracy and appropriateness of language. Your essay contains grammatical errors and informal language that detract from its overall clarity and effectiveness. To enhance your score, work on improving your grammatical accuracy and vocabulary range. For instance, pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement, correct usage of articles, and avoiding colloquial expressions. Revising your work for errors before submission can also help.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Aesthetic appeal
  • Body image
  • Consumer culture
  • Grooming habits
  • Personal identity
  • Professional demeanor
  • Psychological well-being
  • Self-esteem
  • Social comparison
  • Societal standards
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