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Band 4

Some people suggest that childern do not understand the world of work and schools should make all teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subjects. To what extent do you agree?

#people #childern #world #work #schools #teenagers #time #subjects
I am currently doing a project on why people in Zetland should study IT. I have found a
pie
chart
 with the results of some opinion polls. Now I am going analyse the data in the
pie
chart
, express my point of view and draw a conclusion.
According to
 the
pie
chart
, the majority of the respondents think that IT is a growing career field (40 per
cent
). IT pros can work in nearly any industry is the second most popular reason, with 35 per
cent
 of those polled. Other reasons are the least common response, with 3 per
cent
 of those surveyed giving it. As
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can be seen from the
pie
chart
, IT improves creative skills is a less popular reason than IT improves logical skills (10 per
cent
 and 12 respectively). It can
inferred
Add a missing verb
be inferred
show examples
 that people in Zetland are less likely to do something creative and create something new than to develop
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
your
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
 and logic. These days many people face a problem with studying IT, in which case they may damage their health by sitting at the computer all the time. The best solution, in my opinion, is to use tension-reducing drops and do constant exercise, both for the eyes and for the whole body. In conclusion, I believe that studying IT is very important because it helps us to make our lives easier,
as well as
 to develop technology.
Submitted by dulskywork on

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task achievement
For Task Achievement, ensure that your response fully addresses the question prompt. This essay does not address the specific question about the appropriateness of combining work experience with school for teenagers, but rather, it focuses on the merits of studying IT. This represents a misunderstanding of the task. To improve, carefully read and address the topic and questions directly in your essay. Further, provide clear arguments supported by specific examples related to the original prompt.
coherence cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, you've managed to logically structure your essay and incorporate an introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, the transition between paragraphs could be smoother, and the connection between ideas clearer. To improve, use a wider range of linking words and phrases to better guide the reader through your argument, and ensure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
In developing your main points, make sure each point is effectively supported by specific examples or evidence. While you provided some data from the pie chart, this data does not directly support the main topic you were given. In future essays, always align your examples and evidence closely with the main topic of discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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