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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The responsibility to prevent global environmental damage is on politicians rather than individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#responsibility #damage #politicians #individuals
Intro: It is considered that politicians should be those who
is
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are
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 responsible for solving issues related to
global
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the global
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 environment
instead
 of regular persons. I totally agree for the
next
Correct word choice
following
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 reasons. First of all,
people
 involved
into
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in
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 politics have more power.
This
 is simply because
,
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apply
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 they have more resources
such
 as money and the connection with other authority
people
.
For instance
, if a regular individual
propose
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proposes
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 to install a filtration system
to
Change preposition
in
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 some factory, they need to overcome a long chain of bureaucracy to convey the value of
this
 idea and perform
this
,
in contrast
 to Donald Trump who can make a few calls and solve
this
 task within 10 minutes. As a short result, plenty of existing problems that harm our nature could be cured
on
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at
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 a supersonic speed, and, eventually, 10 years later we could
peacefuly
Correct your spelling
peacefully
 live in harmony with nature in a clean world.
Moreover
,
people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 make politics are well known all around the world and have millions of fans, so they can affect more
people
 with certain ideas. The source of their popularity might be media structures that can advertise them or represent
in
Correct pronoun usage
them in
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 news chronicles.
For example
, there is an idea to collect 1 billion
of
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apply
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dollars to save pandas. It is easier to do that via George Baiden who can ask
people
 using TV to donate money,
in contrast
 to
unknown
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an unknown
the unknown
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 citizen of Vancouver Adam who can ask the same. As a quick
outcome
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outcome,
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 more members of global society could be involved
to
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in
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participation
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the participation
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 of
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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certain environmental
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
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.
Finally
, we can get
enormous
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an enormous
the enormous
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 number of highly motivated and united
people
 to solve any problem. In conclusion, politicians
poses
Verb problem
possess
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 great power to help us overcome
environmetal
Correct your spelling
environmental
challenge
Fix the agreement mistake
challenges
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 of any kind.
Additionally
, they can influence mass
people
 just within 10 minutes
using
Change preposition
of using
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 the television.
Submitted by alexey.denisiuk on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear thesis statement is provided in the introduction that outlines your main points. This will make your essay more focused and coherent.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay. While your essay already features good cohesion, diversifying your connectors can enhance readability.
task achievement
To score higher in task achievement, deepen your analysis and provide more detailed examples. Explaining the implications of your examples can add depth to your arguments.
task achievement
Consider counterarguments to your main points to show a balanced consideration of the topic. This can enrich your essay and demonstrate critical thinking skills.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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