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Writing Samples
Band 4

The diagram details the process of making wool. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram details the process of making wool. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The picture shows the procedures by which
wool
Use synonyms
 is processed and transformed into
variety
Add an article
a variety
show examples
 of products.  (
Overall
Linking Words
)Looking from an
overall
Linking Words
 perspective, it is readily apparent that processing
wool
Use synonyms
 involves
initial
Correct article usage
the initial
show examples
 stages of preparation of the raw source material,
middle
Correct article usage
the middle
show examples
 stages constituting the production of tufts, and the final stages resulting in yarn and finished consumer products. First of all, the process begins when sheep
wool
Use synonyms
 is sheared by machine,cleaned very well from any dirty and
then
Linking Words
 dried through dried machine. Subsequent to
this
Linking Words
 the raw product is spun
accourding
Correct your spelling
according
spinning
Change preposition
to spinning
show examples
 tools and
then
Linking Words
 either made into a string (with some being recycled as
by product
Add a hyphen
by-product
show examples
) or turned into
wool
Use synonyms
.
Final
Add an article
The final
show examples
 stage,the
wool
Use synonyms
is form
Change the verb form
is formed
show examples
 into tufts of
wool
Use synonyms
 and
then
Linking Words
 stored in the store. The
last
Linking Words
 steps involve turning the tufts into balls of yarn which can
then
Linking Words
 be used for knitting or for fabrication of consumer retail items
such
Linking Words
 as jackets and carpets.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words wool with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 1 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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