IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

You Are due to give a talk to you through about the danger of smoking, but you cannot now do so. Write a letter to the youth group leader, explain that you cannot come. Apologise for your absence. Suggest a new occasion.

#talk #danger #youth #group #leader #apologise #absence #occasion
Dear Sir, Hope you are fine and doing well. I am writing
this
 letter because in the
last
meeting
Add a comma
meeting,
show examples
 you asked me to join an anti-smoking event and describe as a speaker why smoking is harmful to our health and how it
damaging
Wrong verb form
damages
show examples
 our younger population. I am highly obliged and thankful for showing your trust in me. I know, that you want me to be a confident person and
this
 type of event
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 a great opportunity to improve
self-confidence
Correct pronoun usage
my self-confidence
show examples
. But as you
also
 know I don't have much knowledge about the topic. I do have not much information about the diseases caused by smoking. I am feeling ashamed of my unavailability for the occasion. Please accept my apologies. And I assure you, that I will be available for the next upcoming occasion and take the responsibility with core of my heart. So please exclude me from the current program. I hope you accept my forgiveness. I’ll be very thankful for your kindness. Yours Sincerely, Kunwar
Submitted by computersinn2007 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your letter has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Although your letter had these parts, they could be more cohesively connected to ease the reader’s understanding.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should focus on a single idea. You have managed this to an extent, but some paragraphs could be further refined to avoid mixing ideas which can confuse the reader.
task achievement
Your task response is generally good as you addressed the required points. However, you could elaborate more on your suggestions for a new occasion, such as proposing a specific date or providing alternate ways to contribute to the cause in the meantime.
task achievement
Maintain a suitable writing tone. Your tone is mostly appropriate; nevertheless, it could be enhanced by being more formal and less conversational in certain parts. This will better suit the context of writing to a group leader.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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