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Band 4.5

Q: Some people work for the same organization all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organizations. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#q #people #work #organization #life #organizations
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People
 have two choices regarding their place to
work
, either to stay at one
company
 or
work
 for different
companies
 along the way.
While
 they think it is better to
work
 for the same organization, I believe
workers
 should try different organizations in their working
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. On the one hand, working for one
company
 can pose a challenge.
Firstly
,
people
 tend to resist since they are in their comfort zone.
For instance
,
workers
 may refuse to learn digital technology because they already feel comfortable doing jobs in a traditional way. It can happen
due to
workers
' lack of perspective.
Although
 a
company
 may offer career promotions, in fact, there are many cases where
workers
 stay in their positions until their retirement.
On the other hand
, if
people
work
 for different
companies
 throughout their working life, it can bring benefits for them.
To begin
 with, they can gain a wide range of experience.
As a result
, they become open to different perspectives and improve themselves continuously.
Moreover
, working in different
companies
 can help
people
 to broaden their networking as they meet many
people
 in many organizations. In conclusion, it is true that working for the same
company
 or different
companies
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 being debated nowadays.
Therefore
, I, on balance, believe that it is better for
people
 to try working for many
companies
 in the long run.
Submitted by mmmuuu on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs for both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. However, ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details.
coherence cohesion
You've effectively linked paragraphs using suitable connectors. To further improve, consider using a wider range of cohesive devices and check for their appropriate use in context.
task achievement
Your response addresses the task directly, presenting a clear position that is maintained throughout the essay. For an even stronger response, aim to develop your arguments further with more detailed examples and explanations.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to illustrate your points. This could take the form of real-world examples or hypothetical situations that closely relate to the prompt.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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