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Band 5

Money spent on space exploration is a complete waste. Governments could better spend this money on other things to benefit the nation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#money #space #exploration #waste #governments #benefit #nation
These days, there are some developments in space exploration.
However
, some argue that it is a waste of
money
 and that
governments
 should invest in other properties for national benefits. I completely agree with
this
 opinion. In
this
 essay, I will discuss
this
 opinion and why I believe that it is better for
governments
 to spend
money
 on other things. Some
people
 think that with the development of space searching, we can
also
 proceed with other kinds of technologies. But the problem is there are population is decreasing and it will be a waste of time if humans using those technologies
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
disappeare
Correct your spelling
disappear
disappeared
.
Then
, I believe that we need to solve the birthrate decreasing problem first.
For example
,
governments
 should make more kinder gardens to let
people
 have babies easily. Recently, Many couples have been working and they tend to hesitate to have kids because of the less kinder garden. If
governments
 produce more places to take care of
children
,
people
 can have more
children
.
In addition
,
governments
also
 give
children
 more allowance. It needs a large amount of
money
 to
grow
Verb problem
raise
show examples
 even only one
children
 up. Today, many young
people
 do not get enough income and they cannot afford to pay for their
children
. In short, poverty is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 severe problem and one of the causes of decreasing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
birthrate, so
governments
 must spend
money
 on it. In conclusion, there is a decrease in population so I believe that the first thing to do is tackle
this
 before
invest
Change the verb form
investing
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 exploration space. It is not too late after
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 solve
this
 difficulty.
Submitted by mayu1022.p on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure coherence by effectively organizing your essay into paragraphs, each addressing a specific point related to the topic. Consider connecting your ideas more clearly through transitions for improved flow.
Task Achievement
Begin your essay with a clearer introduction of the topic and your stance. Include a thesis statement that summarizes your main points.
Task Achievement
Develop your main points with more specific and relevant examples. Expand on your arguments, explaining how they directly relate to the question and your stance.
General
Avoid spelling and grammar mistakes by carefully proofreading. Consider using a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • complete waste
  • benefit the nation
  • technological advancements
  • foster
  • international cooperation
  • inspire
  • engage
  • boost the economy
  • long-term benefits
What to do next:
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