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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that hard work is vital for success, while others think that education guarantees success more than anything. Which do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

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There are a lot of factors which bring
people
 to succeed.
While
 some
people
 argue that education is the main cause of
success
, I side with those who believe that hard
work
 plays a vital role.
Firstly
,
people
 who
work
 hard will gain real
work
 experience. They are exposed to know and understand how the industry works.
Thus
, with a wide range of experience, they can learn from experts and implement what they have learned to increase their performance.
Furthermore
,
people
 with lots of experience can have a promotion to a higher career position.
For instance
, a junior staff, who dedicates their time to running many projects, is more likely to have a chance to become a manager in the future. The other reason why hard
work
 is a key factor for
success
 is because it helps
people
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
broaden their networking.
People
 working hard leads to
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
good performance, which
thus
 makes them be assigned to many projects.
As a result
 of that, they will meet many
people
 from different backgrounds who not only open their perspective but
also
 become their connection. Good networking brings many opportunities that can lead
people
 to become successful.
To conclude
, hard
work
 allows
people
 to gain a wide variety of experiences and build beneficial networks.
Although
 education is an important factor for
success
, it will be useless if
people
 do not hard
work
. I,
therefore
, remain firmly convinced that hard
work
 is the foremost reason behind
people
's
success
 stories.
Submitted by mmmuuu on

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Introduction
Ensure that your introduction clearly states your position and provides a brief overview of the main points you will discuss. This helps to set a clear direction for your essay.
Cohesion
For a more cohesive essay, use a variety of cohesive devices (e.g., consequently, in addition) to link ideas within and between paragraphs. Ensure they are used accurately and effectively.
Supporting Points
In your body paragraphs, develop your main points more fully. Provide detailed examples to support each point. This enhances the clarity and depth of your argument.
Conclusion
Work on your conclusion by summarizing the main points discussed in the essay. Clearly restate your position to reinforce your argument and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
Task Response
Address the prompt fully by discussing both viewpoints briefly before stating which one you support. This shows a complete understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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