Improvement in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas. To what extent do you agree?
There has increasingly been a discussion about whether developed
countries
have a right to help other countries
suffering from health problems and education. I will explore which policies about assistance are decent or not in this
essay as concisely as possible.
First of all, we have to admit that education and health are essential for people to live in this
world
.
However
, some countries
still go through these problems, such
as experiencing water deficits and severe hydrine shortages. I affirm that these problems have tremendous responsibility for somehow developed countries
. We have seen a history of war brought on by developed countries
. Obviously, many developed countries
cannot be exceptional on this
issue. For example
, during WWII, Japan was able to develop a thriving economy using Korea's war. By using Korea's resources or Korea's situation, they could make the money they want.
Secondly
, taking positive actions makes us a better world
. Victims of poverty and hydrine shortages are mostly children and vulnerable classes. For our world
to last
, we have to not ignore these victims.
Thus
, we have to take into consideration developing countries
because the world
is linked to each other like the human body, and thanks to their sacrifice, developed countries
can live without any difficulty. Thus
, developed countries
should be more responsible on this
issue.
In conclusion, from my perspective, developed countries
could play a crucial role when it comes to assisting other countries
suffering from poverty.Submitted by enoklee on
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Task Achievement
Your introduction seems to veer off slightly from directly addressing the question posed by the prompt. It's important to directly address the question about the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement in the prompt. Consider restructuring your introduction to more directly state your position.
Coherence & Cohesion
You made a good effort to structure your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there could be improvements in the logical flow between these parts. To enhance coherence, use clear and consistent topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea.
Task Achievement
You provided some examples to support your points, but these could be more specific and relevant to the topic of international aid in health, education, and trade. Try to use clear, real-world examples that directly support your arguments about why richer nations should help poorer ones.
Coherence & Cohesion
The conclusion provides a personal viewpoint, which is good, but it could be strengthened by summarizing the key arguments made in the essay more explicitly. This will reinforce the reader's understanding of your stance and the reasons behind it.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.