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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year
#bar #persons #job #type #sex #australia #year
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The bar chart gives demographic information for employment sectors and gender in Australia
last
Linking Words
 year. There were significantly more
men
Use synonyms
 than
women
Use synonyms
 in management,
production
Correct word choice
and production
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 - over 400,00 in each case and 800,000 more for tradesperson roles. When looking at management roles proportionally, they were three times more likely to be filled by
men
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, the gap was largest in trade occupations with
men
Use synonyms
 ten times more likely to be doing
this
Linking Words
 kind of work. There was a less sizeable difference for labourers and semi-professionals but still considerably more
men
Use synonyms
 than
women
Use synonyms
. The only sectors in which there were more
women
Use synonyms
 than
men
Use synonyms
 were
in
Change preposition
apply
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those of professionals and clerical, with 50,000 and 100,00 more
women
Use synonyms
 in each respectively.
However
Linking Words
, when looking at the figures you can see that there were still a high number of
men
Use synonyms
 who were employed in these areas.
Overall
Linking Words
, we can see that there are more
men
Use synonyms
 than
women
Use synonyms
 in nearly every sector and even
those
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in those
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 with a female majority the figures were close.
This
Linking Words
 means that
men
Use synonyms
 make up a disproportionate amount of the Australian workforce.
Submitted by elnur.adil on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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