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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar and line chart below shows average monthly temperatures and bathing suit sales in New York for the first 6 months of 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar and line chart below shows average monthly temperatures and bathing suit sales in New York for the first 6 months of 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #line #temperatures #suit #sales #york #first #months #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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the line graph illustrates the
temperature
Use synonyms
degree
Use synonyms
 in
fahrenheit
Change the capitalization
Fahrenheit
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 the bar chart shows the
revenue
Use synonyms
 of bathing suit
sales
Use synonyms
 in
USD
Use synonyms
. Both line and graph
shows
Change the verb form
show
show examples
 the changes over 6 months in 2012. It could be seen on the graph, that the
temperature
Use synonyms
degree
Use synonyms
 and the
sales
Use synonyms
 of bathing suit trend
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not correlated. The
temperature
Use synonyms
increases
Wrong verb form
has increased
show examples
 over the
last
Linking Words
 5 months
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and hit up to 60
Use synonyms
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
fahrenheit
Change the capitalization
Fahrenheit
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 June.
On
Change preposition
In
show examples
 January, when the
temperature
Use synonyms
 is still
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 30
Use synonyms
degree
Change to a plural noun
degrees
show examples
, swimsuit sale
revenue
Use synonyms
 is at 100 thousand
USD
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
,
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
both
trend
Fix the agreement mistake
trends
show examples
 increase
thoroughout
Correct your spelling
throughout
 February and
march
Capitalize word
March
show examples
. By April,
swisuit
Correct your spelling
swimsuit
swimsuits
revenue
Use synonyms
 hits
the
Change the word
its
show examples
 peak. It reaches 300 thousand
USD
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when the
temperature
Use synonyms
 is still below 50
fahrenheit
Change the capitalization
Fahrenheit
show examples
.
On
Change preposition
In
show examples
 May, the
sales
Use synonyms
 dropped dramatically
tp
Correct your spelling
to
show examples
 below January's
sales
Use synonyms
.
Lastly
Linking Words
,
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 June,
the
Rephrase
when the
show examples
 summer starts and
Use synonyms
temperature
Correct article usage
the temperature
show examples
reach
Correct subject-verb agreement
reaches
show examples
 over 60 degrees, the swimsuit
revenue
Use synonyms
 did not even
reached
Change the verb form
reach
show examples
 50 thousand
USD
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by shafa.ifdial on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words temperature, degree, revenue, sales, usd with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increases" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reaches" was used 3 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • average monthly temperatures
  • bathing suit sales
  • correlation
  • monthly breakdown
  • significant changes
  • warmest months
  • speculate
  • trends
  • increase in temperature
  • contrasting
  • predictive speculation
  • general trends
  • specific months
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