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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graphs show figures relating to hours worked and stress levels amongst professionals in eight groups. Describe the information shown to a university or collage lecturer.

The graphs show figures relating to hours worked and stress levels amongst professionals in eight groups. Describe the information shown to a university or collage lecturer.
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The two
graph
Change to a plural noun
graphs
show examples
 illustrate information about
average
Change the article
an average
the average
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of
house hold
Correct your spelling
household
show examples
 works per
weekly
Replace the word
week
show examples
 and
pie
Add an article
the pie
show examples
 chart shows eight occupations (including writers, lawyers, doctors,movie producers,chefs,programmers,
Use synonyms
lectures
Correct your spelling
lecturers
show examples
 and
business men
Correct your spelling
businessmen
show examples
) who are suffering from
strees related
Correct your spelling
stress-related
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
bar
Add an article
the bar
show examples
 graph shows
Correct article usage
a hughe
show examples
hughe
Correct your spelling
huge
number
Use synonyms
 of
business
Correct your spelling
businessmen
show examples
 man worked per
weekly
Replace the word
week
show examples
 and
Add an article
a little
show examples
little
Correct word choice
a small
show examples
 percentage of
Use synonyms
lectures
Correct your spelling
lecturers
show examples
 were working same time period.
While
Linking Words
 most
lectures
Use synonyms
suffering
Wrong verb form
suffered
show examples
considerable
Add an article
a considerable
show examples
 amount of
illness
Use synonyms
additionally
Linking Words
 programmer
creaters
Correct your spelling
creators
 were
lowest
Correct article usage
the lowest
show examples
.
According to
Linking Words
 the bar graph, college professors
were
Verb problem
had
show examples
least
Correct article usage
the least
show examples
 hours
working
Change preposition
of working
show examples
 sector.
Furthemore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, writers,chefs,lawyers,
programmers
Correct word choice
and programmers
show examples
 accounted
45
Change preposition
for 45
show examples
%,30%,35% and 40% proportions respectively.
Although
Linking Words
, doctors reached over
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
50%, following movie producers nearly 60% percentage.There was
Correct article usage
an exact
show examples
exact
Change the word
exactly
show examples
 70% proportion hit by
Add an article
the businessman
a businessman
show examples
businessman
Fix the agreement mistake
businessmen
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
pie
Correct article usage
the pie
show examples
 chart depicts, individuals having
stress related
Add a hyphen
stress-related
show examples
Use synonyms
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
.
significant
Change the article
a significant
the significant
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of
lectures
Use synonyms
 stressed by a quarter.The second highest sector was movie
produce
Replace the word
production
show examples
 at 18%, Doctors,
businesse
Correct your spelling
businessmen
 man and chefs were
15
Change preposition
at 15
show examples
%,11% and 10%.Remain
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 percentages
accounted
Add a missing verb
were accounted
show examples
by
Change preposition
for by
show examples
 writers and lawyers (8%).Less amount of
Fix the agreement mistake
programmer
show examples
programmers
Fix the agreement mistake
programmer
show examples
were
Verb problem
suffered
show examples
 suffer
illness
Use synonyms
 .It was
tiny
Correct article usage
a tiny
show examples
 percentage
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 5%.
To sum up
Linking Words
, lower
number
Use synonyms
 of working hours done by
lectures
Use synonyms
Linking Words
however
Add the comma(s)
, however
show examples
, they were
notable
Correct article usage
a notable
show examples
 amount of sector who suffered
illness
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, lectures, illness with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportions" was used 2 times.
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